Readers whom have loved me long time may be aware that I’m a forensic scientist in real life. In between laughing uproariously at CSI’s latest stuff-up of standard forensics procedure and trying to sex blowflies without them asking for my number afterwards, I deal quite a bit with lawyers. And, with that brilliantly disguised segue… What do you call a lawyer with brain damage? No, the answer is neither ‘Your Honour’ nor ‘a good start’, it’s ‘you call him ELI STONE’ and he’s about to take the stand and swear not to go into cancellation before we examine his legal briefs below.
ELI STONE (Tuesdays, Seven-8:30pm) is the latest offering from gay screenwriter Greg Berlanti, whom also brought us Jack Mcphee on DAWSON’S CREEK, Kevin and Scotty on BROTHERS AND SISTERS and everyone with a pulse on THE BROKEN HEARTS CLUB. The show deals with a young lawyer, Eli Stone (played by thirty-something Brit heartthrob Jonny Lee-Miller. Stone is single and bases his legal career in San Francisco, but alas, he doesn’t bang his gavel on our side of the courtroom (though that’s not to say the show has less queer content that Berlanti’s other offerings). Eli is happily suing people left, right and centre when he suddenly starts experiencing violent hallucinations that often involve earthquakes, people breaking into spontaneous musical numbers like they’re trying to retrospectively audition for ALLY MCBEAL, and George Michael. Yes, the WHAM guy- playing himself!
Needless to say, visions of bloody mayhem and gay Eighties pop sensations mean that Eli’s not feeling Too Funky. You might even say that he’s Don’t Let the Sun Go Down on him. Eli gets himself to a doctor and finds out that he has a potentially life threatening brain aneurysm that is possibly causing the hallucinations. However, removing the aneurysm is risky and Eli knows that if he has the surgery, then any Careless Whispers from the hospital will get back to the law firm that employs him and he’ll be out of a job faster than Like Jesus to A Child. Wait – that last one doesn’t work…
Anyhoo, Eli is pretty despondent until some of the things he sees in his episodes start coming true- turns out they’re prophecies of future events. They are somewhat obtuse prophecies in that they’re delivered in the form of Eighties pop hits, but I’m sure even Nostradamus would’ve been a much happier camper if he’d expressed his prophecies through Culture Club lyrics- at least he’d be camper, anyway.
Eli and his fellow lawyer/girlfriend Taylor (played by Natassha Henstridge, the murderously sexed-up alien Sil from the SPECIES movies) attempt to use the visions to both help people who need a good lawyer and also to try and avert the colossal earthquake that persists in Eli’s visions, all the while keeping Eli’s medical condition and psychic power secret from the delighted but baffled senior partner, Victor Garber.
Gay pop icon George Michael looms large throughout the entire series- each episode is named after one of his songs, he appears in Eli’s visions either through the songs that the unwilling participants are forced to sing or as an otherworldly Greek god. Later on in the series Michael also appears regularly in the show as himself.
So- Greg Berlanti, San Francisco, forced supernatural karaoke and George Michael. Still don’t think this is the gayest show of the year? In one episode, Berlanti’s pal (and former DAWSON’S CREEK co-star) Katie Holmes, Mrs. Tom Cruise, not only guest-stars as a rival lawyer, but appears in one of Eli’s visions as a sultry nightclub singer who belts out Cole Porter’s tune ‘Let’s Do It’. I find the defendant, ELI STONE, camper than a caravan park at Christmas!
The Defense rests, your Honour!!
