Dear OTC,
I am a gay man in love. My boyfriend is everything I ever wanted in a man. The only problem is that he simply does not do monogamy and was very open from the start about the fact that he only has open relationships. I thought I would be okay with it, but now that I have fallen for him I can’t stand the thought that he is having sex with other men. As far as I know he is honest and safe about his extracurriculars, but even that security isn’t enough for me. I find myself fantasizing that someday it’ll be just us. Am I wrong to hold out hope?
In need of some advice,
Old Fashioned
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Dear Old Fashioned,
I really feel for you. I take it you haven’t had a serious talk, explicitly telling your boyfriend that you do not want to be one-of-many? While such a talk may seem like a daunting prospect, to keep quiet is to put yourself in emotional danger – you can’t expect your boyfriend to realise that there is a problem unless you speak up. Unfortunately, the responsibility for initiating change falls at your feet, as you are the one who wants to change your agreed upon rules of engagement.
Relationships come in all shapes and sizes. By being up front with your boyfriend, it may be possible to negotiate a new set of rules. Make sure you NEVER agree to rules you are not happy with, as otherwise you can’t really have issue with him engaging in behaviour that is within those agreed upon rules – not to mention, you’d be agreeing to operate in a space that is untrue to yourself. When people do that they often end up finding a way to blame the other party as they struggle with accepting their own responsibility in the matter. People should never go into any kind of relationship with the view of changing the other person.
It’s hard when the heart wants what the heart wants. Perhaps your boyfriend will take a different view on monogamy when he realises how much this is upsetting you. Just be clear that you CANNOT take the love he shows for you as a sign that he will eventually “come around†to the idea of monogamy. He has told you what the deal is – for your own sake, you have to believe he truly means it. To not do so is to run the risk you will resent or even hate him one day, all for the mere “crime†of doing exactly as he said he would do all along.
As far as I can see, you have three choices: You can try to negotiate a change in your relationship; stick with what you have (which would be damaging unless you change your perspective somehow), or end this relationship for your own sake.
We are talking about your happiness and well-being – ultimately the choice, and the responsibility, is yours.
Take care of yourself…
OTC
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