What’s over six foot long, Tasmanian, loves hanging out in thick forest and will rip your face off first and ask questions later? No, it’s not former Greens Senator Bob Brown. It’s Precious, the giant, mutant Tasmanian Devil from Cemetery Gates. And don’t let her name fool you- Precious is no sweetie, darling.
Cemetery Gates is a hilariously over the top monster movie in which a bunch of bio-weapons scientists (led by the Phantasm series’ Reggie Bannister) tamper with the DNA of Tasmania’s iconic marsupial to make it angrier, smarter and more ferocious (somewhat redundant, given the creature’s default temperament) and ends up with a bear-sized marsupial nightmare who seems to like the Wizard of Oz, given how many times it rips out hearts and brains. Precious promptly thinks outside the box, escapes and shows anyone who so much as walks past the film set how their internal organs would look on the less popular ‘external’ setting.
Gay actor Peter Stickles (The Lair, Shortbus) is our hero, a young film-maker who unwillingly takes a bunch of friends to make a zombie film- in the cemetery where Precious has decided to make her den. This film, made in 2006, is the last film Stickles made before he came out as gay, but though his character is on-paper-straight, Stickles still manages to get mistaken for gay by the handful of peripheral characters that don’t become Devil dinner AND ‘accidentally’ gets in a compromising position with a hunky guy whilst hiding from the raging she-beast (not his girlfriend).
This film is awesome. There’s not a serious or mean bone in its body- though there’s plenty on screen. Characters are literally introduced solely to become kibbles n’ bits seconds later. Precious shreds her way through roughly one victim every four minutes- in a ninety minute film- and so many bodily fluids are flying around it’s like an industrial accident at the Playboy Mansion. Try not to miss the scene where two hippies whacked out on Peyote mistake the murderous mutant marsupial for their ‘Spirit Animal’- complete with a hilariously cute, animated cartoon devil superimposed over the rampaging real thing.
Where’s Bugs Bunny when you need him?!
Cemetery Gates is out now on DVD
Gavin Pitts
