ARIES (MAR 21 – APR 19)
Bzzzt, zhirrr, whiz, grrr… hear that? It’s the sound of the universe going slightly out of whack. Yes, the stars are all over the place this October, which means that all sorts of mischief is taking place in the heavens up above. But this has little impact on you, Aries, as personal relationships become even more personal and the fruits of your labour are… well, fruited. Sounds fruity? Oh it is, darling, it is: and all done in the most fabulous taste. Whoa… that was almost like a real horoscope. Almost.
TAURUS (APR 20 – MAY 20)
Feeling hot hot hot? Well, grab a sombrero and get ready to head South of the border – all your relationships are hotting up this month. Think dynamic, think vivacious, think out of control as some come together and some get torn apart. It’s like there’s a typhoon brewing in the heart of your encounters, which makes the prospect of rest and relaxation a harder one to fulfill. But fulfill it you must if you wish to keep your head. Phew, glad I’m not you!
GEMINI (MAY 21 – JUNE 20)
I love you Gemini. No, wait… no, I don’t love you at. Hang on… yes I do. Hold up… nope, can’t stand ya! Head spinning? Good. Now you know what the rest of us have to deal with on a day to day basis when coddling the Twin with kid gloves. Creative projects are a handful and your workload is bigger than Elvis… and Elvis was big. Really big. Like, huge. Monstrous even. And speaking of monstrous, so are you Gemini, so let the rest of us bask in the fact that the work burdens may just distract you from being annoying to the rest of us. Career opportunities are strongest at Halloween, proof again how ghoulish you are.
CANCER (JUNE 21 – JULY 22)
Like a well cooked crab shell busting open with the simplest of ease, romance is blooming all around you. Yes, break out into song – love is in the air, everywhere you look around. Speaking of which, don’t look now but admirers galore are coming out of the woodwork. Not necessarily a good thing for your partner really, but thank god they’re preoccupied with loving you. Ah, love is in the air… sniff deep. Yes, it’s like hayfever season of the heart. Achoo. Achoo!
LEO (JULY 21 – AUG 22)
Money talks, baby, money talks – dirty cash, it wants you, dirty cash, it needs you… oh oh oh oh! Yes, that money you’ve been desperately seeking will suddenly sidle up next to you all sleazy and swaggering and, since you’re Leo the cat, it’s gonna be looking for a little heavy petting. Ewww, gross, I know, but it’s a theme which repeats itself at Halloween. Elsewhere? The home is hectic as you get your garden in order. Expect disagreements with family members. Sheesh – if only they did as they were told.
VIRGO (AUG 23 – SEPT 22)
Why do birds suddenly appear everytime you appear? Or why do stars fall down from the sky everytime you walk by? Why? Just like me they long to be close to you. Yes, that topsy turvy headspin of a celestial aligning means that you’re remotely likeable this month Virgie. Seems you’ve invested in some personal charm. Funny, I didn’t realize they’d perfected the surgical procedure for that yet. Well, it seems they have, which is a plus thing… and hey, every dog has to have its day, right Fido? Who’s a good dog? Who’s a good dog? Fetch…!
LIBRA (SEPT 23 – OCT 22)
Regardless of how all over the place the stars may be, one eternal truth remains constant: you’re just so damn wonderful, ain’t ya Libra! Yes, people will be showering you with added bonus attention this month. Gee, that couldn’t have anything to do with it being… YOUR BIRTHDAY!?! Happy Birthday! October sees weight lifted from your shoulders, income boosting and general love abounding. Shucks… it’s sweet to be you. Anyone would think I was like you too.
SCORPIO (OCT 23 – NOV 21)
Wow… I love you Scorpio. Seems like you’re making a worth while impression this month. A marked improvement on the usual impression you make – where people usually fantasize about your demise. But not this month. No. This month EVERYONE loves you. God, you even get job offers hunting you down, a marked difference from the jilted lover’s lover who usually hunts you down after you snaffle said jilted lover. Geez, even I’m liking you in so many wa… alright, sorry, get me a sickbag! Sincerity makes me so nauseous! Fake sincerity even more so…!
SAGITTARIUS (NOV 22 – DEC 20)
How are the burns healing up? Staying away from angry mobs? Good stuff. Well, you’ll be pleased to know that in the current upside whirl of the stars, all those former bile inducing feelings have been transformed into… well, I think it’s love, I’m not sure. Poke it with a stick! Does it squirm like love? If so, then it’s love, sweet love… love the universe has vomited up out of its wonderful belly. Just for you. All for you. It’s infectious too: your friends have your back, romance is whirling in, wearing a very short skirt – or shorter short shorts. Oh, and it seems you have charisma too. Ain’t it great what you find in the stomach lining of the universe!?!
CAPRICORN (DEC 21 – JAN 19)
Wow, Cappy – you’re so funny! No, really, tell me more. Gosh, you don’t say. Oooh, really? Impressive. Seems as though the tables are turned and you’ve suddenly become likeable (you can have that removed you know), particularly since you’re taking matters into your own hands more and more at the moment. That’s why everyone’s hanging on your every word. Well, either that or else they’re all opportunists too. No, it can’t be. Who’d be so cruel? Especially to you, oh Capricorn, most wonderful creature, most magnificent and marvello… ugh, someone please wash these niceties off me, now! I’m breaking out in hives…!
AQUARIUS (JAN 20 – FEB 18)
Reach for the stars Aquarius. No, harder. Higher. Reach harder! Grasp like you’re grasping at straws… sorry, stars. It’s time to break out of the routine and go for gold. Pull a hamstring, pull a sickie and hell, even pull, particularly after romance gets the go ahead with a few false communication starts. So, limber up and get ready to do some star jumps… after all, you gonna need to be fit if you want to make that romance scorch instead of sizzle.
PISCES (FEB 19 – MAR 20)
You know how some things are so horrendous that, well… they should’ve just been drowned at birth? Well, if that’s the case, ain’t it just the luckiest thing that you were born a fish! Where others fear to tread (water) there you are, up to your gills in all of the murky depths life has to offer. Work is on the up, as is money, plus the possibility of intimate discoveries such as… wait, what’s that dark shadowy shape swimming up out of the depths, with its teeth glinting? See, not everything that can be drowned at birth is good to have hanging around. Just make sure you ain’t one of those things.
Beau de Vine
