Capricorn (Dec 21 – Jan 19)
What is a ‘sea-goat’ Capricorn?! I mean really – a ‘sea-goat’? That is Capricorn’s logo after-all: some half-drowned, wretched looking ‘sea-goat’. Well, it’s time for a change thanks to 2008 – the year of transformation! Become a walrus, sheep herder or a household object – like a paperweight. Far more useful than a ‘sea-goat’. Just grab 2008 by its wet, barnacled horns and make those changes, be they weight, diet, exercise or the simple fact that you’re a ‘sea-goat’. Sorry, we shouldn’t bully the old ‘sea-goat’, especially since your ruling planet (Saturn) is retrograde until April.
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Aquarius (Jan 20 – Feb 18)
Out of this world? Yes, you are! And now is the time to get in touch with a higher source. Avoid negative indulgences such as drugs, alcohol, webcasting your bedroom antics or posting nude shots on the web and start an ohm shanti as you reach for the gods. Get creative, get out of your body and get in touch with the cosmos. Yes, darling, I’m chanting as we speak.
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Pisces (Feb 19 – Mar 22)
Well, aren’t you just the cosmic poo, Pisces? Looks like everything’s coming up roses for you! So get a whiff of it as the fragrant stench of success wafts your way. Synchronicity offsets your imagination to make reality bend and shift to your every whim. And if we thought we could lose you to that inner world of creativity and mysticism you love to retreat into, well, darn, doesn’t the universe just love you by throwing the right people your way. Gee… and they’ll help you achieve your goals and visions. Does anyone else hate Pisces right now?!
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Aries (Mar 21 – April 19)
Well, ain’t this just a lovely turn of events: dear old Aries, cowering back from the maddening crowd! Yah, yah! Stay! He, he, he. Sorry Aries, but your current introspective period will be stuck in top gear well until February 19 thanks to Mercury going all retro. Confrontations of power abound. Stand strong, dear reticent ram. Word up though: when the 19th of January hits try to deal with any unfinished relationship biz: so either date them, do them or dump them.
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Taurus (Apr 20 – May 20)
Cher-ing features big this month for you, so botox your brow, boost up those boobs and collagen that pout as you prepare to turn back time…oh wait, sorry…that should have been sharing features big. Bummer. Put away the Apache costume Taurus, unless you’re playing dress up with your special cow-person this month. Give in to their dreams and pay your special someone some more attention around the 23rd and whoa – watch them explode with love themselves! So if you believe in love, shoop shoop to the shop to get them some extra special gifts… in their size!
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Gemini (May 21- June 20)
Gemini… intense? Never! You go for gold at the best of times, giving it your all, and 2008 has kicked off just as you’d expect: all four feet on the ground, running! Build up a big, wet sweat as it comes toward a delightful climax. Yes, prepare for a big cosmic ‘O’ as you give or get given around the 17th – no, not like that… in a mentoring, fine-tuned kinda way. Dirty Gemini. I suppose if I told you things become very juicy around the 22nd if you indulge in meditation or creativity, you’ll think more salacious thoughts. Well, you should – a three week la petit mort kicks in as of the 28th!
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Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Ooooh, Cancer, if I were you I’d prepare for the juju! That’s jungle speak for magic or luck, you know – true, true! Yes, you have been given a galactic magic wand – or cosmic hitting stick – this month. It’s perfect for whacking into shape all of your relationships. Don’t like that person? Thump – they’re gone! Think so-and-so should shape up? Poke poke – oi, step up, mate! Wanna get closer to such-and-such? Well, you know where to stick it! It’s a powerful bit of stick, but strongest at the end of this month, mid-June and late November, so get poking.
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Leo (July 23 – Aug 22)
Cough cough… feeling sickly Leo? Awwww, poor little kitten. Sore paw? Get ready to lick your wounds little lion because 2008 is all about your health. This is the year when all those little niggles and nags suddenly explode into full-scale conditions. So, start working on your well-being now kitties – ditch your demons, curl up in a nice warm spot more often, don’t eat too many mice, hack up fur balls more regularly and lick yourself all over with greater diligence and care. In other words, do that detox! Be sure to set aside time to meditate from the 19th to the 23rd – the universe is calling ‘Here kitty, kitty, kitty!’.
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Virgo (Aug 23 – Sept 22)
Dear Virgo, what do you desire most? What would you like to change about your life? Sorry, the planets aren’t giving a refund on being anally practical, sensible and prudent (qualities you know all the other star signs just hate you for having), but they do have a discount deal on self-transformation, valid all year it seems! Get ready to become a butterfly Virgo – an anally practical, sensible and prudent one, but a butterfly none the less. Quiet time kicks in January 28th so everyone else… shhhhhhh!
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Libra (Sept 23 – Oct 22)
Loud, lovable, larrikin Libra – you’re a little bit more mental than usual this month. Not in a Shining kinda way, but more a dealing with your deep psyche motif. Yes, a Kraken of psychological baggage is likely to surface soon, so lay down some plastic sheets, invite it in for a spot of dinner (no seafood, naturally) and get ready to get your toes wet. After all, now is the time to transform into a beautiful sea-dragon… or something equally exotic and endangered. More watery metaphors gush and froth around the 16th and 27th as the creative juice gets loose.
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Scorpio (Oct 23 – Nov 21)
So, Scorpio, ready to have your world shaken to the very core? Well tough – it’s time to let it all rattle, shudder, shimmy and shake as you are transformed from the inside out. Yes, your worldview is set to change, and the impact is so big it’ll do the same for others. How does this occur? By giving. G-I-V-I-N-G. It’s a verb, meaning to hand over stuff voluntarily without expecting compensation. Alien concept to you Scorpions, but try it sometime. Your persuasive powers settle back in around 25th. Damn shame for the rest of us.
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Sagittarius (Nov 22 – Dec 20)
Money. Success. Fame. Glamour. Gee, you don’t need such things, do you Sagittarius? You could do the chivalrous thing and leave them for the rest of us, but we doubt you’ll do that. Especially now that you’ve entered a multi-year period where the universe is just ready to give you such a bumper bonus pack of goodies all for yourself. Possible point of failure on your behalf? Low self-esteem! So, suck it up, Sagittarius – you are wonderful, you are special, you are beautiful, dammit! Now, excuse me please, I need to be sick: such positive reinforcement makes me terribly nauseous.
