TASTY TATIES!

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WALLACE AND GROMIT: A MATTER OF LOAF AND DEATH (Wed Dec 3, ABC- 8:30pm)
Aardman animation’s fourth outing for the turophilic inventor Wallace (a turophile is a person who loves cheese; Aha! This column *is* edumacational!) and his frankly much smarter and cooler pooch Gromit. This episode sees the pair moonlighting as bakers and rising like a perfect cheese soufflé to become popular scone peddlers- but twelve bakers across London have met sticky buns…er, ends at the hands of a gingerbread man..iac! – Will Wallace find that love – like asparagus quiche – can leave your pee smelling funny? Will Gromit discover the bad muffin in the batch before they become next on the menu in this baker’s dozen of doughy danger? Will I run out of half-baked cooking puns?

KIWIFRUIT (Tues Dec 16, Seven-12:30am)
Cute little Gay chat show/lifestyle program from New Zealand, focused on everything from how to peck up guys for sux to which of the LOTR Hobbits was the gay one (trick question- they all were!)

STALE CHIPS!

AUSTRALIA’S FUNNIEST HOME VIDEOS (Sat Dec 27, Nine- 6pm)
This dire show has been running continuously, with a bevy of interchangeable Stepford hosts, since *1990*. I had no idea that toddlers whacking their dads in the goolies with a cricket bat had so much mileage…

TWINS (Sun Dec 28, Nine- 2am)
Awesome lesbian actress Sara Gilbert, famous for playing Darlene opposite my then-husband Johnny Galecki in ROSEANNE, has been reduced to toplining this so-bad-it’s-not-good-at-all sitcom about fraternal twins with nothing in common. Sara, if you need money to pay a parking fine or something, just ask!

HOT POTATOES!

NIGELLA BITES (Wed Dec 31, ABC-6:30pm)
Talk about too many cooks! Like crappy Australian comedies that somehow become cult shows, and crime dramas set in small British towns with a murder rate that makes New York look like the Smurf Village, another recent phenomenon that seems to be taking over the ABC is the Prime-Time Cooking show. Numerous people who might otherwise have been locked away in some Dartmoor lunatic asylum (Gordon Ramsey) or have a lucrative future as my own personal Kept Boy (Jamie Oliver) have become quite famous with their cunning culinary careers. The TWO FAT LADIES remain the (meaty) first course when it comes to celebrity chefs with a queer following, but Nigella Lawson, of the Oxford accent and impeccable coif and makeup that seem to stay perfect even if she’s cooking live-pheasant blood pudding with a whole spit pig for afters, is mounting a challenge for dyke icon status. I certainly know numerous lesbians who’d love to have Nigella over for dessert…

SPUDS IN SPACE!

Mythbusters (Sat Dec 27, SBS- 7:30pm)
Repeat of the excellent, cult science series (more fossilized readers might compare it to THE CURIOSITY SHOW) in which Uber –Geeks Adam Savage and Jamie Hyneman, along with their team of back-up geeks, each week take a different Urban Legend (a myth that is widely believed to be true by gullible portions of the populace, such as school kids or Intelligent Design advocates) and via the latest scientific method (usually one that makes the most mess and poses the maximum risk to their own safety) either prove it as true or bust it as false. Past legends the team have looked at include whether Pop Rocks confectionary swallowed with Diet Coke will make your stomach explode; whether a Goldfish’s memory really only lasts three seconds, if you can be sucked out of a plane via the vacuum toilet, whether a Goldfish’s memory really only lasts three seconds, if a coin dropped from a very tall building can kill a pedestrian, whether a Goldfish’s memory really only lasts three seconds… One thing that the hairy, mustachioed and based in San Francisco Jamie and Adam have yet to prove or disprove is whether they’re a couple or not…