Australia Day: a time of celebration, sweat, beer and ill-fitting shorts. A time when people emerge from all crevices and prostrate themselves under our brutal sun for one mournfully short day of yelling patriotic slogans and drinking. But alas, this glorious day is not without its struggles. For those of you brave enough to join the throng of revellers this Australia day, here is some wisdom to see you through with your dignity intact.
1. CAMOUFLAGE:
Every intrepid explorer knows that in order to survive a harsh environment, one must blend in to their surroundings. This is especially the case at the foreshore. The plumage of choice here is the Australian flag. You will find many adorning themselves in this drapery in the most elaborate ways to demonstrate superiority and attract mates. By adopting the colours of the herd, you signify your friendly intentions. No amount of decoration is too much. Locals associate a direct correlation between agreeableness and the percentage of your person covered in national paraphernalia. If you can no longer remember what colour you were to begin with, you are on the right track.
2. HYDRATION:
Custom dictates that you must consume a certain amount of beer to be considered a true adherent of Australia Day. However, many participants begin their self medication sharply at the first sounding of the Triple J Hottest 100, which means that self control is necessary to avoid being left unconscious on the veranda at 3pm with sunscreen etchings searing crude drawings and expletives into your ever-reddening skin. Always space out your VBs with frequent doses of water.
3. MUSIC:
For many, the Hottest 100 provides a background for their merriment. However, many an Australia Day has been marred by the squabblings of drunken fools shouting about the merit of that year’s top three, as if their volume itself could shift the tallied votes. Avoid disappointment this year by remaining ignorant to all music from past twelve months. If anyone asks you about your hope for the top song, simply smile benignly and say you think Susan Boyle has a pretty good shot this year.
4. NUTRITION:
If you are hosting your own Australia Day festivities, don’t forget the appropriate cuisine. Specifically: a wide array of dead animal chunks to be served alongside onions, tomato sauce and horrifically cheap white buns. Include your vegetarian friends by gluing googly eyes onto a carrot so that they too can feel the awesome power of eating something that has once lived a life of its own.
5. ATTITUDE:
Above all, remember that our country is known for not giving too much of a shit. Carry on this great nation’s legacy by refraining from wearing pants. What are public holidays for if not to vegetate in the sweet warm glow of doing nothing at all?
God speed, Australians. And good luck!
Sophie Joske
