I’m desperate. I can’t seem to engage with my partner any more or, at least, not in the way I used to.
We don’t seem to enjoy the same things any more, we don’t go out much, and our sex life is abysmal.
I am feeling like a real idiot: why can’t I satisfy him any more? Where have I failed? What is wrong with me? How long can this go on?
Desperate Dave
There is an old song, which many of you who do not have as many grey hairs as me, would never have heard, that goes like this: ‘To know, know, know (him) is to love, love, love him …’ Another of similar vintage, suggests: ‘Getting to know you, getting to know all about you …”. Is there any old wisdom in either/both of these songs? I think so.
We are not robots, we do not move through life without changing, adapting, evolving. And I bow down and give thanks to ‘whatever’ about this each day.
I couldn’t imagine how boring life could be if change did not occur. When we first meet up with a ‘love’, we do spend quite a bit of time in conversations, enquiring about the other person’s interests and hobbies. We discover their tastes in wine, music, etc. etc. Sometime we might try to find out what turns the other on sexually although often this does not happen because it is presumed that everyone likes the same sexual stimulation, and, anyway, it’s not the right thing to be talking about, is it!?! I mean to say, we can’t keep talking about sex!
You know what? We can talk about sex and we must continue to talk about sex – for as long as ever. Why? For this simple reason: we are not robots. We do change, we grow, we adapt, we evolve. And that is what is so wonderful about human relationships. We do not have to remain stagnant and stuck. There are always new and exciting things to find out about each other.
Is there anything wrong with you? Are you failing in some way? Is there anything you can’t do? I don’t think so to all three.
I have shared many times in this column the need for good conversation. But what is equally important, and possibly of primary importance, is the attitude we have about ourselves. Instead of asking ourselves why we can’t do something, why we can’t make our relationship work, why we can’t seem to manage to keep our partner’s attention, perhaps we could do what the author of An Ode To Can tells us:
There’s a four lettered word/As offensive as any
It holds back the few/Puts a stop to the many.
You can’t climb a mountain/you can’t cross the sea.
You can’t be anything you want to be.
Perhaps we could swap these last two lines to something like –
You can’t turn him on/you can’t hold him tight
You can’t do anything to make it all right.
However, Ode to Can goes on to say:
But those four little letters/That end with a T
They can change in an instant/ When shortened to three
We can take off the T/ We can do it today
We can move forward not back/ We can find our own way.
So go for it: you can discover each other’s latest footsteps on life’s pathway. You can embrace the newness, you can find new riches. Believe in yourself, have faith in what you have – and just remove that last letter. Enjoy.
Please send questions on relationships to Elizabeth Brennan, Relationships Australia, PO Box 1206, West Leederville, WA 6901, or email elizabeth.brennan@wa.relationships.com.au Elizabeth is only able to answer your inquiries in print in OUTinPerth and cannot give personal replies.
