I am in a state of confusion and stress. I love my girlfriend, but I cannot deal with her anger and I don’t understand it. She blows her top for all different reasons, some of them quite pathetic in my opinion, and takes it out on me. She becomes quite violent at times – not physically but verbally. I have tried to ignore it but I can’t anymore. It seems that I am living my life on a razor edge, never knowing when she is gong to lose the plot.
The Razor Gal.
In order for us to learn some techniques in dealing with other people’s anger, we first of all have to take a look at what anger actually is and then also look at how we express anger. By reaching a clearer understanding of anger, we are more able to deal with anger both of self and others.
Unfortunately, in our society, anger is a dirty word. I liken anger to a smoke alarm. Smoke alarms are inserted to alert us to any danger that could be present due to something burning. The smoke alarm is there to protect us. That is what anger is – our in-built smoke alarm alerting us to the fact that something needs to be attended to.
Anger is an emotion, a secondary emotion. And like all emotions, anger is neither right nor wrong. We also need to remember that we can’t make anyone feel anything. When something happens or doesn’t; when someone says something or not, we have an emotional reaction. A primary emotion kicks in automatically.
Try to imagine an ice-berg. As we all know, the tip of the iceberg is a just a tiny piece of it, the majority of the berg below the surface. If we don’t listen to the message behind the primary emotion, if we try to deny or suppress it, like the smoke alarm, anger will arise to warn us; it becomes the tip of the ice-berg. Its job is to alert us to go back down to the part of the berg submerged, identify the primary emotion/s affected, name them and then deal with the situation that pumped them in the first place. Only when we do that will the alarm bell – the anger – stop beeping. If we refuse to take notice of our in-built alarm, we get stuck in the top of the ice berg, the anger becomes painful, scary, unbearable and our behaviour becomes erratic and, at times, inappropriate.
We need to ask the question: What is the primary emotion underneath the ice-berg that has triggered this anger of self/other? Listen to the in-built smoke alarm – it is a positive thing, not negative. Don’t concentrate on the anger. Don’t ask questions such as, “Why are you angry?” When we do so, we risk putting the person on the defence: “What are you talking about? I’m not angry!”
Rather, use reflective listening: “It seems to me that you are upset (or hurt, annoyed, frustrated, etc.) by something I may have said or done. Would you like to talk about it?”
In this way, no blame or accusations are made or received – the path to good communication is open. Anger – our personal smoke alarm – has done its job. It rests. And we get to know each better and our relationships grow stronger. Wow!
Please send questions on relationships to Elizabeth Brennan, Relationships Australia, PO Box 1206, West Leederville, WA 6901, or email elizabeth.brennan@wa.relationships.com.au Elizabeth is only able to answer your inquiries in print in OUTinPerth and cannot give personal replies.
