I have a big problem with my partner. I am happy in our relationships and also happy to think that we are in it for the long run. However, I want to save money so that we can have an investment portfolio for our later years. My partner objects to having a sizeable savings plan. I think he is impractical and thoughtless. Can you help?
Saver… or Saviour?
Conflict can be so difficult. I am always surprised when people tell me that they have no conflict in their relationship. I feel like saying BS! Everyone has conflict for the simple reason that we are all different: we have different needs at different times.
To be able to resolve this conflict that you are experiencing with your partner, you both need to be prepared to get to the core, to unpack the issues surrounding your diverse opinions. This may take time, it will certainly require openness and honesty and a willingness to be challenged.
What is at the core of your need to ensure financial security in later years? What feeds your need? Is it something about ‘control’? Does your need for security rise from some hidden insecurity? What about your partner – do you know what is at the core of what you describe as his impracticality, his thoughtlessness? Do you know of any hidden sense of insecurity he cannot name?
To solve your conflict, you need to find the answers to these questions. But you need to ask the right questions. It is not enough for you to say something like, ‘Why are you so reckless? Why don’t you start thinking of me and not just yourself?’ These types of questions get us nowhere; all they do is put the other person on the defensive even more.
To get to the heart of the conflict, you need to ask each other questions that allow each of you to unpack your ‘onion’, so to speak; to pull each layer off slowly, dig down to the heart of the matter. Questions like, ‘How do you see us in years to come? What does your picture look like?’
Your pictures, your dreams are probably very different. But you need to know what each other’s pictures and dreams look like. In this way, you will get to know each other more deeply, your relationship takes on a new intimacy.
You also might need to accept that this conflict may never be solved. In actual fact, conflict is not the worse thing to happen in a relationship. The more damaging scenario is gridlock. Your goal must be to move from gridlock to dialogue. When you continue to be open to dialogue, to be open to the fact that conflict is something inevitable and not negative, you will move from gridlock. You will more likely find a resolution you can both live with. You might be able to meet both your needs.
Dare to create a new dream for a New Year – a different future.
I love parties. I think it is the best time to meet new, interesting, people; make new friends. My partner claims that I look at other people and act flirtatious, but this isn’t true at all. I find this insulting and it makes me angry. I don’t know how to reassure my partner and I’m tired of trying.
Worn out.
What is your dream? Â
Does it perhaps look like this? You love parties, especially dancing. It is your place to unwind. You enjoy meeting new people to dance with. You love dancing with your partner, but you like to feel free to dance with others as well. You are not flirting, just satisfying your gregarious and wild side. Your dream is of freedom and exploration.
What is you partner’s dream?
Maybe it looks something like this: a dream in which she feels the only person attractive and desirable to you. A dream in which you don’t need to look to other people to feel free and satisfy your gregarious wild side. A dream in which she pictures moments of utter romance as you two dance together – and only with each other – because you both don’t need anyone else, have no eyes for anyone else.
What is you and your partner’s ‘united’ dream?
Hopefully it is a dream in which you both value your own ‘self’, a dream in which the reality is that you acknowledge the importance of ‘self’; that you both accept that the fulfilment of ‘self’is what lies at the heart of success for your relationship, that enables you both as individuals, and as a couple, to grow and become the people you were meant to be. A dream in which you both look to each other for love and acceptance, for respect and intimacy, for an environment in which you can both truly be your own ‘self’ without fear.
Ah to dream. And what a great time of the year to dream – the beginning of a New Year, the beginning of a new path to fulfilment. Dreams are fantastic. They are totally necessary. They are the fuel that enables us to achieve what we need. Provided, of course, we make room for other’s dreams.
Just ensure that you know each other’s dream, that you accept the right for each of you to have a dream. In that way only, will you achieve your ‘united’ dream.
Speak to each other about your individual dreams, listen to each other’s dreams. Share how you see your ‘united’ dream. Speak of your love and respect for each other, your willingness to understand that the amalgamation of your common dream will only materialize when your individual dreams are realised.
Listen and enter her dreams. She will then accept yours. Happy dreaming.Â
Please send questions on relationships to Elizabeth Brennan, Relationships Australia, PO Box 1206, West Leederville, WA 6901, or email elizabeth.brennan@wa.relationships.com.au Elizabeth is only able to answer your enquiries in print in OUTinPerth and cannot give personal replies.
