My boyfriend drinks way too much, and becomes an embarrassment when we are out. I’m so sick of having to be the responsible one. Should I just dump him and move on?
A Tired Rescuer.
A question that plagued me for a large part of my life: Am I responsible for people? To what degree am I responsible? The weight of this responsibility was a burden on my shoulders for many years. I thought I would crumble.
A miracle happened. I learned the difference between being responsible for and being responsible to. In the belief I was responsible for others, I was continually concerned with being right, solutions; I wanted to fix things, rescue and control; I felt anxious and tired, very fearful and I became a manipulator and expected others to live up to my expectations.
In the process of changing my thinking that I am responsible to others, I am able to relate better person to person; I am free to show empathy, encourage; I feel a lot more relaxed. As a result, I can be a helper/guide rather that a rescuer, and I can have faith that others are responsible for their own thoughts, action. I can trust and let go.
Sounds easy – it’s not. It took me a long time to move from the forspace. But now, with the awareness that I am responsible to, this frees me to be honest, to share my feelings, my doubts, and my concerns. I am free to offer help without the burden or belief that I must save and protect.
I have touched this subject previously – so forgive me if I sound repetitive. But the truth is: you are not responsible for your partner. But you may wish to ask yourself to what degree you are responsible to him? Do you speak for self, share with him how you feel, your concerns. Just speak for self. It is in this way that we are responsible to our partners.
But we are also responsible to ourselves. We need to nurture and look after self otherwise we can never support another. In being responsible to self, you will be more free to be responsible to him and help perhaps seek the right support, learn new ways of assisting him in his struggle – without being burdened by his issues.
You do have some tough decisions to make. But if you can approach these issues from the point of knowing you are responsible to and not for, you are more likely to reach decisions that are best for you and your partner.
My girlfriend is a beautiful person, friendly, outgoing, always the life of the party. I do think she loves me – she says she does. But I am constantly jealous. Why does she have to be so friendly that I feel neglected, that I sometimes doubt she loves me? I feel guilty at times because of my jealousy but I can’t help it. And then all I can do is get angry!
Jealous Jo.
Join the club! You will enter a room where there are thousands of people just like yourself, angry and jealous one moment, hitting themselves the next moment out of guilt and despair. And the circle just keeps going around and around. You will want to get the hell out of there but there is no back door in sight.
There is. Look closely and you will see a door marked EMOTIONS. And underneath that strange word, will be written: ‘They are OK’. Enter that door and you will enter a whole new world.
We are all emotional beings. No one person is more emotional than another. We do not choose our emotions. They are automatic reactions to things that happen, things people say. The way we react is influenced by many hundreds of things. Past experiences, memories, whether we have a tooth ache, whether we are tired, the list is almost endless. The important thing to remember: we do not choose our emotions, the way we react. What we do choose is how we respond to the emotional reaction.
Okay, you sometimes feel jealous. Jealousy is an emotion. You are a human being – all human beings experience emotions. They are neither right nor wrong. We do not have to justify how we feel, how re react. We may have to justify how we respond.
When we don’t give ourselves permission to acknowledge and name our emotions, we often move into the secondary stage: anger. Anger is okay also; it’s just a secondary emotion. What you do with your anger is a different matter altogether. You don’t have to feel guilty because you are jealous. Accept it.
What you do need to do is talk to your partner. You need to speak for self, respect self and respect your partner. Say something like: ‘Hey, I know you love me and I certainly love you and your fabulous outgoing personality. But you know what? Sometimes I get a bit jealous and then I feel guilty and angry and I get all mixed up in this mess. Can we talk about this?’ The two of you can have a conversation where there is no blame, just honest expression of feelings. You may discover some past, forgotten experience.
Maybe the two of you could come up with a little plan. Create a sign that you make, when you are both out and about and your jealousy pokes its head up. Signal your partner with your secret code and she comes up and gives you a hug. You can then get up and dance – free as a bird, no guilt, no anger. Wow!
Relationships Australia is a non-profit organisation offering education, counseling and other services to people of all backgrounds and sexual orientation. RA has lesbian and gay counselors with many years experience working in our community. The website www.wa.relationships.com.au gives information on all services. Elizabeth has over 30 years experience in relationship education and counseling.
Please send questions on relationships to Elizabeth Brennan, Relationships
Australia, PO Box 1206, West Leederville, WA 6901, or email
elizabeth.brennan@wa.relationships.com.au Elizabeth is only able to answer your enquiries in print in OUTinPerth and cannot give personal replies.
