ARIES (MAR 21 – APR 19)
Oh the horror. You are cut like a really good story from a newspaper. But there’s no point being bitter. It’s not your fault. Blame the powers that be. Everybody else. And with just cause too. They are the powers that be after all. If they were the power that was, well, then you could cut them a really good story from a newspaper. But until such time you’ll just have to suck eggs.
TAURUS (APR 20 – MAY 20)
You’d love to think you’re a cut above the rest but you aren’t darling. You are just as tragic as the rest of them.
GEMINI (MAY 21 – JUN 20)
You’re looking to get a cut of the action aren’t ya?! Tough titties, Little Miss Bitty (as in Bit Part, Small Fry, The Extra’s Extra, Oi What’s Ya Name!?). Seems as though the lion share is going to the lions, clearly. Which leaves you with? Dust! Dear dust. Everybody loves dust. Now that’s not something to sneeze at really now is it.
CANCER (JUN 21 – JUL 22)
Yeah, somebody should just have you removed.
LEO (JUL 23 – AUG 22)
Somebody call cut already. You’re a bad actor in a car crash of a movie this month. Make-up and wardrobe can’t save you. Nor can good lighting. Or acting classes. The best part is though you are so tragically horrific to watch in action that we can’t tear our eyes away. That’s it baby, the camera loves you! Sadly, we don’t.
VIRGO (AUG 23 – SEP 22)
You are so cutting it’s brilliant. People literally recoil the moment you open your mouth because they know that you will cut them down to size. And they deserve it darling, my god do they deserve it. So keep it cutting, darling, keep cutting. That’s it… take to the world with that razor wit and insert maniacal laughter. Sorry… just channelling Jack Nicholson as The Joker in the prettiest purple pants and a big gay feather in his hat.
LIBRA (SEP 23 – OCT 22)
You’ll cut a fine figure this month, as always. God you’re beautiful. [CUT! – ed]
SCORPIO (OCT 23 – NOV 21)
The kindest cut is the one your plastic surgeon will give to you this month. Don’t think of it as plastic surgery – that’s SUCH a dirty term. No, instead opt for the other excuse and call it a cosmetic procedure. Either way, the blood letting will be warranted, although no matter of hackney chopping at that vulgar visage of yours will do you any good now will it. Notice the lack of a question mark at the end of that last sentence – that makes it rhetoric, not an inquiry. See, you can teach an old dog new things. God you’re beautiful (and that’s sarcasm).
SAGITTARIUS (NOV 22 – DEC 21)
You are a diamond in the rough this month. This means that you will need the precision of a laser to cut yourself free of the rubble that has garnered itself around you. But once free, you’re gonna shine baby, you’re gonna shine. People might even stick you on their finger, or stick their finger in you… sorry, that was inappropriate. HA! And like the rest of these star signs aren’t…!
CAPRICORN (DEC 22 – JAN 19)
Cut or uncut? Cut it out? Did you cut it? Cut stop dancing all night? Gonna cut you bitch? These are the important questions this month. These, and only these, are the important questions this month. All other questions will not be fielded until next month. That’s if they make the cut.
AQUARIUS (JAN 20 – FEB 18)
And cut… fade to black. Now bring it up. Oh, wait… I was having a ’90s or ’80s pop flashback. Sorry, it was so far back I didn’t know when it was. At least it wasn’t bloody Bananarama!
PISCES (FEB 19 – MAR 20)
Cut along the length of the fish, making sure you use a fine fillet blade and being careful not to cut too close to the ribs. Make sure the cut occurs as one long steady slow motion. As you slowly cut the torso open, let the fish guts and blood and stuff plop to floor. Be sure to smear these over your face after preparing the dish, just for added effect. Cook in a light batter, add lemon for flavouring and serve at an appropriate mealtime. Bon appetit, bitches.
Beau de Vine
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