ARIES (MAR 21 – APR 19)
Oh the horror. It may not be Friday, Friday, Friday, but it’s certainly turning into an auto-tune nightmare. Your tragic contribution to popular culture really ought to have been underground. It’s like you though… it crawled up from out under that rock and proceeded to vomit profusely all over the place. Huge chunks of brazen popular culture putrid pop gushing out of your mouth all over the sidewalk. That was my shoe dude… thanks.
TAURUS (APR20 – MAY 20)
CHUD. You are CHUD. Now, CHUD are really quite pleasant people until you get them crawling up out of the sewer eating humanity. Then it’s like a brain gorging zombie-fest full of splattering effects and those suckling sounds reminiscent of monster chomping. Grrr, argh. Scream scream scream. Ah, carnage. It reminds me of home.
GEMINI (MAY 21 – JUN 20)
Gemini. Sigh. That is all.
CANCER (JUN 21 – JUL 22)
Insidious though you may be, it seems that no rock can contain nor cover you. Scuttle into the light and share your horrific form. That’s right, let us marvel on the magnitude of how horrific you truly are. Nasty nasty piece of work that you are. At least we can all take great pleasure in knowing that once you crawl back under that rock we can use it to crush you. Smash bash crash… music to my ears.
LEO (JUL 23 – AUG 22)
Meow. What’s new pussycat?
VIRGO (AUG 23 – SEP 22)
Oh happy days. I’ve decided I like you. That’s a reason to celebrate. So c’mon, let’s celebrate. Throw on some high heels. No… higher. NO! Higher goddammit. We should be dressing up as gods, scraping the sky. Now, let us shoot lasers from our eyes and scare the masses. That’s it, crush that city.
LIBRA (SEP 23 – OCT 22)
If this were The Celebrity Apprentice, you’d be hired. I mean, it’s the fact that you’re like me. It’s a simple feat of logic: if I’m amazing, then I’m amazing. Ergo, I’m amazing.
SCORPIO (OCT 23 – NOV 21)
What is life like at the bottom of a well? Well, I’m sure it’s a little bit dark, dank and slimy. And I’m sure it’s populated with all sorts of monsters, some who can – surprisingly – read. Clap out those sounds you well-dwelling critter. Awww, it’s adorable watching something like you try to function as a human. Now, one does have to wonder how you ended up at the bottom of a well…
SAGITTARIUS (NOV 22 – DEC 21)
I want to punch you. It’s unfortunate really but so necessary. It’s like a cosmic smackdown. Now, it’s not really my fault – you just have one of those faces. It’s ok I’ve got the number of a really good plastic surgeon. I’m sure they can make a dent… hopefully.
CAPRICORN (DEC 22 – JAN 19)
Now for the sake of you not getting paranoid, I’m not actually going to highlight the fact that you have some warped deficiency going on. Instead I’m going to mention the fact that wondrous things await you. It’s incredible. Absolutely incredible. There is something so amazing that it’ll just blow your mind. Oooooh, I think I just popped something I exerted myself so much. Excuse me I really need to lay down.
AQUARIUS (JAN 20 – FEB 18)
Six feet underground? Now THAT’S underground.
PISCES (FEB 19 – MAR 20)
I want you to think about Bowie… Think hard! Think about the words that he wrote, think about clothes he wore, and the hair cuts he had in the ’80s.
Ponder this.
If you don’t like Bowie; think about Paul Weller instead.
Beau de Vine
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