Dear OTC,
I have a problem that’s not uncommon unfortunately: The case of the angry ex. I cared about her immensely and never stepped outside our boundaries, but things ended because ultimately I realised I wasn’t in love with her. After our break up, her behaviour was so unrelenting and hostile that I felt threatened and had to consider taking out a restraining order. She seemed to be my sulking shadow, often turning up in places where she knew I would be and then sabotaging my personal relationships by spreading rumours to my acquaintances and friends. In addition, she often calls me simply to abuse me over the phone. It’s now two years after the end of our nine month relationship, but she is still on the warpath and runs me down to our mutual friends and anyone else who will listen. Many of the things she is saying could call my professional abilities into doubt. She operates with double standards, as she judges me over anything she knows about me (e.g. what I do and who I have relationships with), but does not look at her own actions at all. She is seeing someone else now, but this hasn’t stopped her.
I am writing to you to ask how I might approach settling the situation – our friends try to remain civil on all sides, but privately they tell me they’ve had enough as she simply won’t stop badmouthing me or pressuring them to take sides in some way. I’ve tried to make the peace in the past, but it only made things worse.
Help!
Sincerely,
Sad It Turned Out This Way
Dear Sad It Turned Out This Way,
I am sorry to hear you’ve had such a terrible time. There’s a marked difference between being upset about a break up and the behaviour you describe. Verbal hostility and frequent unwanted contact is a form of emotional violence and should be responded to with recognition of that. Your ex’s behaviour seems to be obsessional. If her behaviour continues or worsens, do not hesitate to contact the police if you feel your safety is in danger. Just like in domestic violence situations, stalking and harassing behaviour can lead to staying silent out of fear, shame or a desire to make it go away and consider it ‘not that bad’. It is that bad. Don’t be alone in this – speak out and expose the abuse, make sure your friends and family are aware of the type of behaviour that you are being subjected to and ensure that you seek the support you need to stay safe and well.
Break ups are never easy, but there is NO excuse for this kind of behaviour. Ultimately, some people simply won’t forgive a break up, even if your only ‘crime’ is not being in love with them. We don’t CHOOSE to fall in or out of love. Just because you didn’t love her the way she may have wanted you to doesn’t mean you didn’t love her with all that you could give – it’s no one’s fault. She may claim you’re a terrible person, but if that were true, why is she wasting her time talking about ‘someone like you’ two years later and why give you so much of her energy when she has a new love? Her actions reflect you are still a powerful priority in her life, though this is manifesting destructively and is causing her so much unhappiness. Carrying such toxicity is likely to make her unwell, so for all concerned she should consider seeking some professional help.
If your ex is making allegations about your personal life that could conceivably cast doubt on your professional capacity (e.g. alleging recreational drug use, mental health issues, illegal activity or excessive alcohol use etc), this may qualify as defamation. Stay informed of your legal rights to protect your reputation from harmful rumours. Also, let’s face it, in relationships we all get to know information about one another that is not for public broadcasting. To do so is poor form and just not manners!
As for your friends – people on the outside of situations like yours often make the mistake of thinking they should ‘stay out of it’. It is up to EVERYONE to speak out against such behaviour. Your friends need to tell your ex that her behaviour is NOT acceptable. They should also take her to task on any inaccuracies or hypocrisy in her comments so that she knows she has no audience for her comments – or at the very least walk away when she starts talking about you.
Whilst it’s always tempting to make peace with past partners, sometimes it simply isn’t possible. Anything you try may simply add fuel to the fire. Anger seems to be the last link she has to you – a link she may be intent on keeping, even if she doesn’t realise that herself. All up, it’s so wasteful when these situations happen, especially when underneath it all both people may want out of the conflict, wondering how they ever let things degenerate so badly in the first place. Keep a healthy head about things and don’t spend too much mental energy on it. Hopefully, your ex will eventually see that her behaviour serves no one – she may then liberate herself from all of this negativity and move on. Good luck!
This column is not intended to be an alternative to therapy. If you feel you need to pursue therapy in person, you can contact our staff at OUTinPerth who will be able to put you in touch with our writer, who in turn can offer a range of options for professional assistance.
