ARIES
You will not be invited to James Franco’s after-party. I will be. I shall send you photographs. You shall sit and dwell in jealously. If I were a river I would be wet. No, sorry… I don’t think I can write these horoscopes based on Tina Arena songs. Sorry Tina, I tried. I really really tried.

TAURUS
This month you the Nicole Kidman to the world’s Natalie Portman. Ouch, that’s really tough. I mean, Natalie is so thin and pretty and Nicole… well, I mean thank god she got away from Tom but I think she went a bit stab happy with the Botox, don’t you. Stab stab stab.

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GEMINI
You’re in two minds about everything. It comes with the territory. This month you decide not to eat so you can really feel what it’s like to be Gwyneth Paltrow in Sliding Doors. As a result you will find yourself singing with muppets on top of grand pianos before gnawing off your own arm. Nom nom nom. Oh wait, that’s us doing that, watching you.

CANCER
Jacki Weaver is hotter than you this month. That’s really gotta hurt. I’m not even sure what that really makes you. Unfortunate perhaps? Yes, let’s go with unfortunate. This month you are unfortunate. Here, have a dollar. Don’t choke on it now!

LEO
You are the Anne Hathaway of the zodiac this month. This means you will be swanning around with an Armani Prive aura of fabulousness. Oh gosh, you do look divine. Sucks to be everyone else I guess.

VIRGO
God, if you were Catherine Zeta-Jones I’d probably punch you too. That’s what you get for stealing into my home and eating all my babies. Giant Welsh baby eating machine that you are.

LIBRA
This month you are Jacki Weaver. That means that even in old age you’ll hit it out of the ball park, land movie deals, television script and have to move to LA. What do you think about that Mr Lecky? Suck eggs.

SCORPIO
Ugh. In a world of golden screen divas you’re Katy Perry. I mean, honestly, what were with those wings at The Grammys? And that’s the whole reason you’re in music: it’s where the crassness and classless belong. Someone grab her a granny, quick.

SAGITTARIUS
You are the Meryl Streep of the zodiac’s red carpet this month. That means you have a sense of ageless beauty about you at current. It also means you have really big hair. It’s so big it’s like a cloud on your head. You shall here forth been known as Madame Cloud Head. All hair the bouffant.

CAPRICORN
You’re in chains. Hopefully they’re wrapped around your throat and dragging you down to the bottom of the harbour. This is when you get when you make ridiculous suggestions. This machine is broken out at sea and there’s not a lifesaver in sight. Glug glug glug… with love love love.

AQUARIUS
You’re sensible like Annette Bening’s shoes this month, and my god does that woman have some sensible shoes. In fact, if ever there were a sensible shoe convention, there’d be Ms Bening, 20 feet tall, her sensible little hoofs pointed out the camera, a sensible little smile on her face. You shall trot about town safe in the knowledge that you have the most sensible strut around. No corns or bunions this month as a result, literal or metaphoric.

PISCES
You are Darryl Hannah is Splash. Did you know the movie itself got nominated for an Oscar. You, however, didn’t. Well, that’d presume that Darryl Hannah could actually act. Even a flipper can’t save you.