What does Xmas mean to you? For some, Xmas means an opportunity to enjoy a few days away from our regular work schedules, for others it is steeped in faith based worship and/or family get togethers, and yet for others it may mean a time of stress, isolation and loneliness.
For me, Xmas is a time to reflect on my current and contemporary spiritual beliefs where I can appreciate a loving god to all and one that would support the divine love between same sex attracted individuals. Mostly though, Xmas is a time for me to acknowledge, be grateful, and express love to my partner, friends, and family. Xmas affairs have not always been easy for me or some others, so I offer a few tips which may be helpful.
1. If arguing is usual in your family setting, don’t expect a perfect day at Xmas as regular family behaviour and dynamics will reappear. Avoid historical sore points that you know will trigger hurt, and engage your gathering in fun activities instead (maybe cards).
2. At this time of year people often ask one another, what are they getting up to for Xmas? This question can sometimes feel awkward if you are socially isolated or you are away from your friends and family. If you are feeling social excluded, consider volunteering for the day or participate in a community event, this will quickly create a sense of belonging and connection, and provides an opportunity to give back and build self esteem. Perhaps consider being honest with people about being alone and that you are open to possibilities. Be prepared to accept an invitation graciously, and do not let some sense of misguided personal pride stop you from engaging. Another option is to organise your own ‘orphans Xmas’ these can be the beginning of wonderful new friendships.
3. Expectations of gift giving can be managed by acknowledging that the day is really about sharing the company of others in a joyful, abundant way and this doesn’t mean gifts as such. You could have agreements on how much money will be spent and/or share the load of gift giving by allocating family members to specific people.
4. For some people living with HIV (PLHIV) family engagements may hold tensions between who knows about your HIV status and who does not, and handling the irrational fear that some parents have for their children. To assist in managing some of these not so easy social engagements, one could have the thorny conversations before the event, so everyone is clear where they stand.
5. Feeling stressed out during this period is no fun so you might like to; meditate, breath (long and deep), have pet time, get organised, let little nuisances roll off, do a favourite exercise, try stretching with yoga, have enjoyable sex, rant to a friend, and take time out. It is worthwhile planning some time to de-stress your day.
At the end of the day though, Xmas is one time of the year and there are still another 364 days in which you can share your humour and have fun with others. Have a wonderful and awesome holiday period!
Cipri Martinez
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