ARIES
This Saturday is Kate’s Party and you don’t have anything to wear! Is Kate’s Party fancy dress? Will Kate’s Party be full of people wearing Kate’s Party merchandise t-shirts, the kind that say ‘I passed out and woke up to find my kidney was missing at Kate’s Party’? Or will everyone be wearing turbans at Kate’s Party? And if everyone is wearing turban’s, how will you be sure no-one will be wearing exactly the same turban as you, if indeed you decide to wear a turban to Kate’s Party after all?!? These are the complexities and dilemmas that will plague you this month in the lead up to Kate’s Party… which is tomorrow night.
TAURUS
You will meet your lover in the line waiting to go to the toilet at Kate’s Party. They will be the one wearing the turban, but not like all the other turban’s everyone else will be wearing at Kate’s Party. Your eyes will lock… at Kate’s Party. Kate, the host of Kate’s Party, will introduce the pair of you. Be careful you don’t take too long in the toilet at Kate’s Party, or else your future love will think you’re too self-absorbed and concerned with your own shit. And if they ask you to ride on their spaceship, do not go back for the jacket you left at Kate’ Party.
GEMINI
You will find a jacket that someone left behind at Kate’s Party. It’ll be a rather nice jacket. You will try the jacket on and will be mistaken for someone else who was at Kate’s Party. You’ll be invited to do shots in the kitchen of Kate’s Party, nibble on banana bread on the balcony of Kate’s Party, and hold back the hair of some random stranger who swears you are their friend in the stairwell at Kate’s Party. It’s not until you’re riding home from Kate’s Party in their car that they’ll suddenly wonder just who the hell you are and exactly what you did with their friend at Kate’s Party. Eeeeeep!
CANCER
You do not believe in Kate’s Party. As a result your month will be filled with normal, run of the mill parties, the kind of which are epic in theory but not nearly in practice. Anytime anyone makes mention of Kate’s Party, that person will simply disappear and reappear the moment they finish talking about Kate’s Party, feeling slightly woozy and translucent. For you, the world never knew Kate’s Party. This Saturday night, tumbleweeds will serenade you with their rustling.
LEO
Who the f**k is Kate?! Secretly, you are Kate. Yes, you have a blonde wig stashed away in your bottom drawer. You even have a small imaginary apartment in Adelaide. You’ve bought party pies. And streamers. Yes, Kate’s Party is your party, Kate. Forget your everyday life this month and become the perfect hostess. After all, 60,000 people are coming and you have to make them feel welcome. With such popularity comes the knowledge that Kate’s Party was your party, Kate. Oh, by the way… Kate rang. She wants her identity back once you’re finished with it.
VIRGO
You will develop a rather large pimple the day before Kate’s Party. This is a shame, because everyone’s favourite lesbian – Justin Bieber – will give you the eye in the kitchen while wearing a turban at Kate’s Party. You will attempt to make a move but your rather large pimple will make him sob and wail like a tween struck with Bieber Fever. You end up pinned down on the kitchen bench at Kate’s Party while people film Justin popping the giant pimple on your face. You will become a YouTube star, but for all the wrong reasons. See you at Kate’s Party!
LIBRA
You will be the star of Kate’s Party. So much so that Kate will be green with envy and the night will run the risk of becoming known as [insert your lovely Libran name here]’s Party… unless your name is Kate, in which case Kate’s Party will still be called Kate’s Party, it’s just the Kate who is the Kate in Kate’s Party will be a completely different Kate entirely, namely you… if your name is Kate. Of course, Kate Kate will inevitably forgive you, as long as you don’t leave with Justin Bieber.
SCORPIO
You will not be going to Kate’s Party, simply for the fact that you will not be invited to Kate’s Party. Have you checked the mail box? Nope, no invite to Kate’s Party there. How about your inbox? Nope, still no invite to Kate’s Party. How about through Facebook, Twitter, MySpace, Bebo, Hi5 or some such other online malarkey? Nope, nope, nope, nope, nope and most certainly nope, still no invite to Kate’s Party. How about asking your friends for an invite?! Oh… wait…
SAGITTARIUS
An interesting thing will happen to you on the way to Kate’s Party. You’re night will turn into a bizarre pastiche of road trip cinematography ‘greatest moments’ as you hit the road to reach Kate’s Party. En route you will stop for fuel only to experience a new cultural meme as a flash mob descends on the service station to create one of the world’s first Party In A Petrol Station. You will escape and catch a lift in a car with a group of people all wearing turbans only to realise that they’re not going to Kate’s Party at all. What happens next you will have to find out, but one thing is for sure: you will not make it to Kate’s Party. Sorry… I’ll tell Kate for you.
CAPRICORN
You will get a manicure on your small feminine hands in preparation for Kate’s Party. On your way to Kate’s Party your car will break down and you will despair as you find yourself stranded with your loaf of banana bread, which serves eight… which hopefully will be enough for everyone at Kate’s Party. You will try to hitchhike but your small feminine hands will be so small and feminine that no one will actually be able to tell if you have your thumb out or not. Instead, hold out for the spaceship that will swing by and grab a lift with them. Inside you will find Justin Bieber, Slash, and a whole troupe of strippers… all of whom are wearing turbans and heading straight for Kate’s Party.
AQUARIUS
Kate’s Party was amazing. Justin Bieber was there. As was Slash. And the strippers in turbans?! ZOMG. They were fantastic. Kate got really drunk, as she should: after all, it was Kate’s Party. The best bit though was when you passed out and Chuck Norris shaved off your eyebrows. Oh… wait… you haven’t looked in the mirror yet have you?!?!
PISCES
Kate’s Party was an internet generated Facebook based cultural meme created by Adelaide’s David Thorn, the same guy who tried to pay his electricity bill with the picture of a spider. In the space of 24 hours 62,000 RSVPed that they were attending Kate’s Party in her incredibly small Adelaide flat. Now, the Kate holding Kate’s Party (Kate Kate. Blonde Kate. Kate Miller. Y’know, Kate from Adelaide) didn’t actually exist until that 24th hour, at which point she cancelled Kate’s Party only to announce Kate’s Party, the real Kate’s Party, is this Saturday. Confused? Good. I’ll explain everything at Kate’s Party. See you there.
Beau de Vine
