ARIES
It’s time to grab some popcorn and get ready for the science fiction double feature as your life mutates into some strange creature, the likes of which you’ve never seen before. If you’re feeling monstrous it’s ok, so is the rest of the world. So seep up out of that black lagoon and get ready to go ‘grrrrr, arrrgh’. Yes, it’s not just going to be one of those days, it’s going to be one of those months. The stars suggest you don’t look in mirrors. Not just yet, anyway.

TAURUS
My my my, my my my my my. You may be a wild and untamed thing, a bee with a deadly sting, but that doesn’t mean you have to rose tint your world. Completely. Instead maybe go for a magenta tint, or possibly even try something in fuchsia. Yes, fuchsia. The fuchsia is your friend. In the fuchsia you will have a pretty house with roses in your garden and you will roll around on the grass, barking at the sun. The fuchsia looks bright.

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GEMINI
You may beat the brides to the bouquet, but damn it, you still can’t get married can you. So sad really, but love is on the horizon. Like a cheesy opening number to a sordid musical, your life is about to start twirling like a sundress on a young Susan Sarandon spinning around. It could be worse… it could be clinging to you like a pair of op-shop hot pants on a heavily Botoxed Kylie. So take your pick. Either way though, life is looking up a little so get ready to fall in love.

CANCER
There’s a light, burning in the fire place, guiding you home. It’s unfortunate that that ‘home’ is a gothic castle brimming with bizarre characters, but hey, you can’t chose your family. That said, you can chose adventure, and there is plenty to be had this month as a string of possibilities unfold themselves in front of you. Be sure to grab all of them as fast as you can, because like a wild band of musical freaks on motorbikes, they’ll zip past without a moment’s notice. Trip one up and take flight in the opposite direction. Home will always be there, waiting.

LEO
It’s a step to the left. Ok, no, another one, sorry. Yes, the dark side is waiting for you just over there. Step into it and be embraced, discovering that sometimes the dark side really isn’t that dark and quite possibly can be the better option. Think of it as the lighter dark side. Either way, you’ve already sold your soul to devil, it’s just a matter of how much stake you want them to lay claim to. Mmmmmm, steak.

VIRGO
T-t-t-touch me, I want to feel dirty. Well of course you do. Being the perpetual Virgin (even if you’re nowhere near that) it’s all about getting yourself a little bit dirty. Even if it’s just about dipping your big toe into a great big vat of dirtiness, this month is all about indulging in a little deviance and depravity, all for the sake of your soul. The straight and narrow can be just that and no-one really wants to get caught in a tight, clean spot. So let yourself go and get down to it. Cue bad ’70s porn music!

LIBRA
There’s nothing sweet about you. Not this month. It seems that while others may be looking for adventure, you’ll be the instigator. So grab a cape and some platform heels and get ready to cock your eyebrows like a young Tim Curry with a face full of slap. And if fishnet stockings aren’t you caper (which I certainly hope they aren’t… unless, of course, you’re a young Tim Curry with a face full of slap) then just pop up to the lab and see what’s on the slab, clothing optional. Oooooh, I can see you shiver with….

SCORPIO
I never liked Meatloaf in Rocky Horror Picture Show. I know he was only onscreen for one song, but it was still a momentary uncomfortable flash of cinema. I’m not sure exactly why. Maybe it’s something to do with the whole saxophone solo. Who knows. The best thing, however, is that it’s over within five minutes. Regrettably, you aren’t. Awwww, bless your soul.

SAGITTARIUS
And crawling, on the planet’s face, are some insects called the human race. You are part of the hive this month, kicking out the working drone to get the job done. It’s not the best job in the world, but somebody’s got to do it. The pay-off is that this month is all about laying foundations. Do that and you can earn your wings and get ready to kick it like a superhero. So… pinchers down and antennas forward.

CAPRICORN
You better wise up, Janet Weiss. You think you can just run around, sleeping with any old mad scientist’s creation? Well, sorry, that ain’t gonna stick. After all, I didn’t make him for you. So grab a lab coat and cover you dignity, because let me tell you something, you young Susan Sarandon wannabe: he’s mine!

AQUARIUS
Did you know that in the Rocky Horror Picture Show franchise there is actually meant to be a third film, called Revenge of the Old Queen? No, well, there is. And just like that script sitting in some drawer, you’re gathering a little dust yourself. Stop being stagnant and get out into the light of the sun. It’s time to reinvent yourself and sing some shiny new songs. Don’t dream it, be it. And that’s not just the motto for the month!

PISCES
I can make you a man. All it takes is a little science and some mad experiments and that fishiness can be transformed into something far more acceptable and humane. Scales are so last prehistoric era, so get with it Pisces and stop that fin-flop. Evolve and the world evolves with you. Pretend you’re in the Rocky Horror Picture Show, and you’re on your own.

Beau de Vine