That time of the year is fast approaching. I find Christmas really stressful but on top of regular Christmas stress I have to deal with my girlfriend pretending I don’t exist. She’s very welcome at my family’s home for one of the festive meals but she does not like me accompanying her to see her family; she does not think they know she is in a same-sex relationship.  Whilst this annoys me at times throughout the year, it is particularly annoying at this time of the year.

Festivally Fraught

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Oh, how wonderful it would be if life’s journey was a lovely smooth path, winding through lush countryside, shaded with glorious trees, a sparkling river to one side, clumps of superb coloured shrubs to the other, the chorus of magnificent birds matching our stride through such paradise.  A paradise that ensures, of course, perfect stress-free relationships.

Enough of that: let’s get back to the real world.

If you are prepared to acknowledge that, indeed, you do not live in paradise, I would suggest that you possibly have two options.

1.
Let your partner know that you believe it is time for her to let her family know that you are her partner, that you live together. This, of course, needs to be stated assertively, not aggressively.

By being assertive, you are stating your right to be acknowledged as her partner; if she is prepared to share her life with you for the major part of the year, you do have the right for that to be extended to the whole year.

However, by assertively stating your rights, you are acknowledging that she also has rights; that she has the right to not disclose her sexuality to her family if that is what she wants.

This may necessitate, of course, a deep and sincere attempt at resolving this conflict, of achieving an outcome that you can both live with, an outcome that respects and reflects both your rights.  This does take time and commitment to the relationship and to each other.  And it entails honesty and openness and a willingness to listen to each other.

2.
The other option is to just walk away.  End the relationship and go and enjoy, if you can, a wonderful festive time with your family.  You may, of course, have to hide the boxes of tissues you will need to lug with you wherever you go.

Let’s look at Option 1. If your relationship is important to you – and I gather it is – then I would suggest this is the one to take.  I cannot come up with an answer; this is something that only the two of you can do.  If you are prepared to put in the time and the effort, you will find a solution you both can live with – and that solution may be something you might not ever have thought of.  The answer may not necessarily be that she tell her family and everything will be okay.  You both have to address the fundamentals underneath her reluctance to do so.  You also have to look at and peel back the brass tacks as to your strong belief that she must ‘come out’ to her family in order for you to be completely happy.

Perhaps this is the gift you can give each other at this special time:  the period necessary for a solution to be found; a solution that, perhaps, will not bring you what you originally thought you needed, but one that you are able to live with – and that will ensure a large degree of happiness.  Put aside some special stretch for the two of you.  Do the work, hard as it may be – it will be worth it.  And your future Christmases and times of festivity will be paradisiacal.

Please send questions on relationships to Elizabeth Brennan, Relationships Australia, PO Box 1206, West Leederville, WA 6901, or email elizabeth.brennan@wa.relationships.com.au Elizabeth is only able to answer your inquiries in print in outinperth and cannot give personal replies.