ARIES
If you think it’s hard being as beautiful as you, try and be as beautiful as me. Yes, 2010 is all about discovering how hard it is to walk in other people’s shoes – which in fact can be quite crippling if said shoes are two sizes too small. And especially if said shoes are cheap designer knock-offs. I mean, seriously, who would sully their hoof with cheap designer knock-offs? The key to this year then? Emulate people who wear expensive shoes. And if you don’t know anyone who kicks around in Balenciaga heels, well… you better honey.
TAURUS
You’ll start 2010 off with a mild headache. This will grow and by April or May, horns should start sprouting from your head. By then, that’ll be the least of your concerns because you’ll be having difficulty walking. All will be revealed by August when you realise your feet have actually turned into hooves. By October, a tail would have sprouted from out above your butt, and by December a cold horrible truth will spread across you like badly bronzed twinks across an aging sugar daddy. Yes, you’re turning into Rupert Murdoch. Albeit the media empire. Sucks to be you.
GEMINI
After living years in a constant state of two minds, 2010 will see you undergo a very risky procedure to actually have that second mind removed. Unfortunately, that means you’ll now have three mouths to find, including that of your mooching boyfriend / possessive girlfriend / nearly dead housebound mother whom you can’t seem to give up, can you Norman? What’s worse, you’ll discover that actually really you don’t like your inner you, and you’ll spend the better half of the year filing for divorce from yourself. The other half of yourself will actually win and leave with your mooching boyfriend / possessive girlfriend / nearly dead housebound mother. See – there are some highlights.
CANCER
In an attempt to appear interesting, you’ll spend April and May of this year dressed as a Californian Roll. This isn’t a bad thing, especially if you plan to go to Japan during this time. Just remember to pack some soy sauce and a little wasabi. Yes, wasabi green is your colour this year, just be sure to match it with some light peach tones, the kind you’ll find in fresh pickled ginger. Later in the year be sure to watch your tempura and make sure experiences don’t leave you feeling too battered. No-one likes overcooked tempura.
LEO
In the jungle, the mighty jungle, the lion sleeps tonight. Don’t a-whim-ba-way the year away, this ain’t no kooky late 20th Century pop song about huge killing machines taking a nap at nap time. No, this year is all about being the killing machine that you know you can be. If all else fails, watch the Terminator series back-to-back and take notes. Ok, so it might want to make you pluck your eyes out with a rusty spoon, but Sam Worthington is Terminator Salvation, and that necessarily isn’t a bad thing. Nor is 2010. Just skimp on the Arnold. And sleeping in the jungle.
VIRGO
The year will progress and you’ll realise by and large that people don’t really get you this year. But it’s not for lacking of trying. Perhaps you’ve forgotten to turn on your ‘get-me’ function, in which case, really… what can you expect?! Once you turn said function on you should be able to function in a more functional manner, one where functions of functioning are just a functional function which functions like a function should function. Yes, you will be invited to functions too. Just don’t dance to Funky Town or the Macarena. People won’t get it.
LIBRA
It’s so wonderful to have you here again with us. The year 2010 will be all the better for us with you in it. To show our gratitude we will erect statues in your honour and possibly even dish out a few Nobel Peace Prizes. Not your thing? That’s ok… how about an OBE? No, not an out-of-body experience, although the year will largely feel one. Purple Heart? A knightdom? What would you like?! Seriously, tell us… we want to know. Yes… that’s the key to 2010: live as though you’re the most important thing in it. Not different to any other year really, for you, hey Libra?
SCORPIO
I work with a Scorpio. Wonderful person. Love them. Such an amazing personality. And nothing like the other Scorpio who works at my work. Ugh! Question is, which are you? More importantly, who ate my lunch? Seriously, I even wrote my name in big letters on the plastic container and someone still ate it. I have my suspicions. I really do. And I will figure out who ate my lunch. It was the most lovely butter chicken curry I had cooked from the night before, sprinkled with a hint of basil and ginger. Divine. Just like me. Was so yummy. Just like me. Oh, sorry… were we meant to be discussing you were we?!
SAGITTARIUS
Homeland security are on to you. In a year where stuff will happen, you’ll be the little terror who does exactly whatever they want to do. But people are taking note. They are watching you. They are monitoring your calls and gauging what websites you open. And if you’re looking to explode and be ‘the bomb’, they’ll be there, ready to bring you down. Don’t let them catch you. I’ve booked tickets under a false name and have fake ID ready for you at our secret rendezvous point. Meet me there at 1700 hours… and trust no-one.
CAPRICORN
What will 2010 bring? More of you, unfortunately. Like a mad Lady Macbeth, you are a damned spot that just won’t get out. Yes, you are a stain on the hand of royalty, one which drives people to madness and despair. You’ll buy a pair of shoes in July. Come September you’ll think about doing stuff, but won’t. By November Lady Macbeth will get over her malady enough to purchase some heavy duty stain removal. After that, you’re on your own. Oh, and you’ll get a haircut sometime this year too. Possibly in May. Perhaps October. But sometime in 2010….
AQUARIUS
Stop eating cake! That’s the key to success in 2010. Cake is your enemy. It’s plotting against you, what with its delicious plans and icy iced icing, sometimes adorned with cherries. Yes, you’re own sweet tooth will betray you to this most scrumptious enemy time and time again. Pavlova. Black Forest Gateau. Angel Cake. Madera. Sponge. Tiramisu. These are names you need to know in the fight against cake. Know thine enemy. Beware Baker’s Delight. Stick to the fresh fruit aisles. And no, putting candles on them isn’t an excuse, it’s just proof of the evil mind control techniques they have over you. I mean, seriously, how many birthdays can you have in one year?
PISCES
With Saturn entering a trine with Venus, you are bound to experience some conflicts where issues of control and love are raised. Don’t worry, by the time Neptune enters your house in May, the emotive powers of the instinct will taking over, paving a much easier path, one where the heart will speak the fluent language of the stars. Beware work conflict in the final three months: Pluto will be high in the sky, causing all sorts of mischief, but don’t fret. Focus and you’ll make it through. Wait! Whoa… what the hell just happened there!?! Oh, look… someone left the lid of my glue. Sorry.
