With the heat of summer approaching, people from all walks of life are stripping off their winter clothing layers and showing their hard earned moon-tans proudly sponsored by the hideous Western Australian winter. Nobody is perfect; however Perth’s Serial Dater can confidently admit that he is the exception to that rule. A couple of trips to the solarium put PSD ahead of the game when he inevitably slipped on his brand new AussieBum Sunrise boy-leg swimmers, black wayfarers and wandered down to Cottesloe beach for a frolic and a perve. An ice cream, four random winks, two hours of sun and three phone numbers later, it was shaping up to be the best summer yet.
One of the men who approached the sun-soaked serial dater was Adam, a 24yo property manager. Adam was tall, mysterious and looked dangerous; he was the perfect original sin. PSD arranged a beer at the Brisbane on a weeknight, which was the most masculine venue he could muster the courage to attend. One must have a mental list of venues and the opinion one might gather from being seen in those venues: The Brisbane – A casual sense of class, easy, but not cheap; PSD could relate to that.
This date was fascinating. New to Perth, A young man of conservative confidence, a musician, a hobby DJ, with a jaw-line that could slice a potato…Well, a carrot at the very least; PSD was watching his carb intake. Everything was peachy… and this time there were no buts! Finally, a normal guy who had a normal job… and normal hair… and normal skin…and a normal smile…and a couple of pet snakes…
‘Sorry what?’ queried a very curious Serial Dater.
Apparently the Lord’s sixth day creation was exceptionally interested in reptiles. His previous job was working in a wildlife park in QLD, and he had become completely attached to having slippery friends. He managed to transport two of his 8 foot pythons all the way to his Mt Lawley apartment for companionship.
‘Would you like to meet my snake?’ said Mr. Fork-tongue.
PSD’s beer suddenly disappeared down his throat, as images of the Garden of Eden flooded his concentration. An honourable first date has never included a tour of the prospective lad’s apartment, but PSD had a thing for forbidden fruit. Straight men, fathers, couples, if it’s unavailable or controversial: it’s desirable.
A short walk later, and PSD found himself standing like a crucifix with Chanel, the three metre python hanging from arm to arm; oh, the blasphemous symbology…. Art at its best. This sinous beast was just so timid that it was almost frightening. PSD was a man of courage and conquest, and a new experience like this was a necessary move, purely for a serial dater’s dignity. Suddenly the snake tightened its grip.
‘Did you want a hand?’ offered the QLD-bred serpent keeper.
A quick yet casual nod allowed PSD’s mind to rest assured that everything was under control, until he was pushed firmly against the wall by the chest and felt the lips of a real man strongly attach themselves to his. It was strong, secure, and electric; this scene was far too hot for Perth standards, PSD felt like he was being ravaged by an amazon-warrior! The kiss ended with the subtle removal of the constricting snake, and she was placed back in her cage for the night and the handler disappeared into what looked like a bedroom. Unsure of whether he’d leave the Garden of Eden alive, and dazzled as to what just happened, PSD gathered his game face, and of course slipped into the same room.
Everything comes in threes, reptiles are no exception. After all, where there is snake, there’s fire…
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