Perth has a way of sucking up your time and money like a clingy whore. It seems that even highly skilled, competent, glamorous boys like Perth’s Serial Dater are being affected by the credit crunch. To save money, PSD began permanently house-sitting for his sophisticated corporate travel friends. Rent can be better spent on more important investments; like alcohol… and shoes. To save time, he began to think of some creative ways of dating whilst carrying out regular weekly routine activities.
In the heat of a Global Dating Crisis, a serial dater needs to consider clever ways of extracting as much character from the Potential in the shortest amount of time. Tired of prospects bringing their poker face to a dinner date, a spring inspired PSD conjured a favourite new concept.
Introducing… the Gym Date! Why not see them pump and wind, before you bump and grind?
The boy?
A thirty-something charming businessman/bachelor (highly interchangeable titles).
The aim?
Beta trials of the innovative Gym Date theory.
‘Meet me at the five-thirty BodyPump class on Saturday.’
Isn’t that the perfect try-before-you-buy? What better way to meet a future accessory than to see them bare all, sweat off their bronzer and grit their teeth thanks to a self-induced pleasure/pain sensation. I don’t know about you, but it’s quite enjoyable to witness someone half-naked, pumping iron; it’s an excellent prelude to seeing them butt naked, pumping flesh.
This Gym Bunny was a grunter – an exceedingly vocal frontline warrior in the fight for a tight summer body. Any serial dater knows this is a good sign. Men who make noise are aware of their senses and in turn, driven to please others. The session ended and it was time for dating test #2.
Fashion Sense. This test showed a number of things, but mainly revealed financial flippancy: A must-have quality. A quick shower in the changing room and PSD was every feather of a good-looking rooster. Bunny-Boy however, had clearly forgotten to look in the mirror before his grand entrance into the foyer…..
Fitting Jeans? Check. Appropriately masculine shirt? Check. Accessories? Fail.
A strange piece of plastic was clouding the Rabbit’s features. Plastic frames containing what looked like…. lenses?! Designed (for apparent practicality) to be strategically placed; on his face? Who wears those things these days anyway?
Unless you’re George Clooney then you should opt for contact lenses or laser surgery. If PSD manscapes his body-hair to keep the lads on top of him, the least you can do is pay thousands of dollars for dangerously risky surgery involving a heat-beam in your eye, ok? Jesus.
To make matters worse, four-eyes offered to take PSD to dinner already arranged that evening at the worst place imaginable. No lads and lasses, it wasn’t Midland; there is a hell more savage. ‘Come to tea at my mum’s place?’ Bullseye. He’s hammering the commitment nail before it’s even begun. Suddenly PSD’s diary was full with much more important plans.
That’s the thing about dating – it’s unpredictable. Someone looks decent when you first meet and before you know it, a removal truck arrives on your doorstep and you’re being proposed to by a short sighted circus clown.
Now, the thing you need to understand about PSD is that he is not unattractive by any means. In fact, in the last month alone, he was chased by an Octopus, a Giraffe, two cheetahs and a plethora of Rhinoceri. There was also an offer to fly to New York by a middle-aged lawyer he’d recently met at Love Sundays. Yes, PSD was like a board game: appealed to all ages. The unfortunate loss of Bunny Boy was no scratch on the bonnet. In Perth – city of daylight spending, liberal closing hours, and dates with strangers – anything can happen, and it did. Perth’s leading-edge, cunning, charming serial dater had collected a slightly polygamous couple from Helvatica , merely after a wink and a whisky.
Three is never a crowd. Who needs protein supplements when you’re the meat in a sandwich of jealousy, boredom and dissatisfaction? A perfect end to the month, because, after all, PSD was infamous for putting the ‘vers’ in controversial.
Perth Serial Dater
