ARIES
Baaa ram ewe. Baaa ram ewe. You’re a babe in the woods this month. There are wolves, and they are big, and they are bad. Don’t be a dag. Make sure you wipe up after yourself. Chop chop. There are cuter things than cutlets. Wool will be pulled over your eyes. Are you shorn about where ewe are heading? If so then you need a paddock on the back. By the way, it’s Pride… you’ll get a shag.

TAURUS
Put on your best shoes because it’s time to get stompy. Yes, someone somewhere will disagree immensely with you, and the only way to respond is to throw some weight behind your opinion. Think bull in a China shop, except more bully with more china. Smash it all down until you get your way. You have my permission. By the way, it’s Pride… you’ll get a shag.

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GEMINI
You awaken five years in the future only to find your life is still incredibly dull. In an attempt to enliven the future, you decide to travel back in time but are unable. Instead you develop a temporal shovel so you can dig through the very fabric of reality. Unfortunately you seem to dig straight past the present to appear five years in the past. Yes, this month you will be running late and incredibly inept. Have fun! By the way, it’s Pride… you’ll get a shag. Alcohol is an amazing thing.

LEO
This month you find yourself caught in a perpetual dad-joke cycle. It’s a punny world full of pun-ishing jokes filled with really bad pun-ch lines, the type that smack of cliché and nonsense. In an attempt to escape you dress up like your mum. That’s as far as the horoscope goes. From that point on you’re just sick and in need of help. Can you please get out of my motel, Norman Bates. By the way, it’s Pride… you’ll get a shag. Ewwww… that means they’ll be a [CENSORED].

CANCER
This month you wake up in a bad horoscope prediction. In an attempt to escape you write a letter to the editor, only to discover that crabs can not hold pens. Neither can they write letters to the editor. In an attempt to escape you realize you are stuck in a bad horoscope and that what it has to say is so horrifying it causes your eyes to bleed. That information has been removed for your own safety. By the way, it’s Pride… you’ll get a shag.

VIRGO
This month you wake up only to discover you are Whitney Houston. And not the good Whitney Houston with the frizzy hair or the comeback Whitney Houston with the really gorgeous earrings on the cover of that new album either. No, you wake up as the Whitney Houston we all came to love – crack-pipe Whitney. In an attempt to escape you dress up as Whitney Houston only to realize that there is no escape. You will not be returning. You may leave the building.

LIBRA
This month you wake up to realize that you are actually the only star sign that wakes up in a good horoscope. This has nothing to do with the fact that the person writing this horoscope is the same star sign as you. No, nothing at all. The month will be filled with joy. You may have a birthday too. I know I will be. My gift registry is available online at Tiffany’s & Co, although I really don’t like anything under $5000 – it just looks cheap and nasty, don’t you think?

SCORPIO
I still don’t like you. In an attempt to escape I make up a really lame excuse about going to fill out my gift registry online at Tiffany’s & Co, only to sit there typing on my imaginary computer. When you attempt to talk to me I pretend I am a fax machine and talk to you in a series of high-pitched whirrs and static. You long to be a piece of paper so you can slide inside me and be sent, telegraphically, across time and space. Shudder. By the way, it’s Pride… but you still won’t get a shag.

SAGITTARIUS
You are a Japanese rice cracker left on a table. In an attempt to escape you spread yourself in sweet chili sauce but get some in your eye. You run around, yelping, like a rice cracker, until you throw yourself into a cup of day cold coffee. As you lay there bathing your sweet cracker eyes in the murky brown murk, you begin to unravel and dissipate like soggy Japanese rice crackers do. Suddenly… you wake up.

CAPRICORN
You are going to vomit. A co-worker will flash their bum at you and in response bile and that days breakfast will regurgitate itself up and out of you. The next day, people will mistake you for Beyonce… but only because you have an incredibly fat arse. The day after that you will have something else happen to you. The day after that, something else again. Your month will progress like this until the month ends, at which point you should refer back here for further instructions.

AQUARIUS
In an attempt to finish these horoscopes I make a startling prediction, one that is so blindingly on the ball it cuts right through to the true heart of the future. It is a prediction that when it occurs people will be stunned at its accuracy and they will bow down and worship me like a deity. Which… I am. Unfortunately that prediction won’t happen here nor will it be in relation to you. It’s not all about you Aquarius. Now, bow.

PISCES
This month you awaken to find yourself in a light tempura batter, covered in a sprinkling of chives and cracked pepper. You will no longer have a chip on your shoulder. Instead you will recline on a bed of them. What’s the issue Pisces? You taste yummy. Maybe a little squirt of lemon juice but yummy none the less. By the way, it’s Pride… you’ll get a shag. With a side order of fries.

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