ARIES
You demand a lot, don’t you? Your demands continue to run high through April. Thing is people aren’t listening. And why should they? What are you giving them? Besides earache? And a list of demands as long as your hoof? The only entities listening are the heavens, who are granting you sex and money in equal measures. So while you may be able to woo someone to bed with an incredibly expensive diamond ring, the reality is that you’ll chew their ear off in the process. And it’s likely they’ll chew their own arm off to escape.
TAURUS
Lay low! Go! Find a nice paddock and lay down. Can bulls lay? I know they can lay cows but can a bull actually lay down? Because cows can’t… hence cow tipping. But that’s beside the point. What was the point? It’s time to recoup a little. Chew the cud and do whatever it is bulls do to reinvigorate. Later in the month love and friendship will blur and the cow fields will be full of heavy petting… or should that be patting?
GEMINI
It’s time to throw a party! Get out the glitz and glamour and get ready to get a little bit drunk as you roll out the party frocks and high heels and cucumber sandwiches. Best bit? Having a party is actually going to be good for business – it’s gonna provide you with the perfect opportunity to bring together people from different backgrounds and get them in the one room to nut out whatever problems your business faces. Just stay away from the photocopier and the supply closet… unless that’s the sort of business you want to be taking care off.
CANCER
Love goes a little sideways early in the month. Something you’re used to, especially when omens pop up. Not the Damien kind that will make your pet Rottweiler go a little gaga and jump through windows in order to get at your nanny. No, rather the good kind. Later in the month and it’s time to get ready as work speeds up somewhat. Be prepared – get plenty of skills and sassy new outfits into place. Oh we do love a good dress up.
LEO
Ah… sweethearts. They’re so… sweet. Not like candy, but like your granny, and not in a chewy way, but in her offering you chewy sweets kinda way. Back to your sweetheart. They are going to provide you with some magical moments this month. Be sure to watch out for fun, creativity and entertainment, which will all abound this month too. And your granny, she wants a little attention while you’re at it, even if it’s your inner-granny. Don’t smother her with a pillow but rather warm her aged heart by indulging in some crafty, home-orientated pursuits. Crochet, playing bridge and taxidermy will all suffice.
VIRGO
Let’s get volatile. If you were a cocktail this month you’d be shaken, not stirred. Any you might find yourself reaching for the cocktails in an attempt to quiet the maddening mood engulfing your head and life respectively. Things get a little intense early on in the month and don’t plan on calming down much. So just join – go on, get crazy, a little bit nuts and go and look for the purple banana until they put you in the truck. Yes, it’s gonna be that kind of a month.
LIBRA
If you thought life was complicated enough then get ready for April when relationships move up a notch, twist in on themselves and pretend they are the sexiest contortionist you ever laid eyes on. And no… this ain’t no Cirque du Soleil episode. What it is, however, is another perfectly good reason to go out and learn yoga… after all, how else do you expect to bend over backwards to satisfy everyone? Still, the more creative and spiritual people whom you seem to be gravitating toward won’t be so demanding. Well, unless they want you to cook lentils or something.
SCORPIO
Finally, the horror in the horoscopes, the sweet veritable sting in the tale that is you, Scorpio. It seems that you are a Frankenstein of emotions this month, a mish and a mash of all things hackneyed and cobbled together. Beware of the full moon – it will highlight all that is horrific about you. And there can be quite a bit. But if this month teaches you anything it teaches you the fine art of quietly waiting in the corner and slowly rotting… or patience as I believe it’s called. Get ready to rest, because after you do expect to rise from the dead at the end of the month, all invigorated. Go on, get your Zombie on.
SAGITTARIUSWhy not take some time out to smell the roses? How about help some elderly across the road? Or perhaps volunteer some time to a worthy cause like, oh I don’t know, making your life more interesting? Get out of that comfort zone and find some pleasure in the smallest – and simplest – things. And no, while that isn’t a suggestion that you get back with your ex again, it’s rather a wise piece of advice suggesting you invest a little time in enjoying yourself without the need of others.
CAPRICORN
Dear Sea-goat, we’re still trying to figure out exactly what it is you are all about. It seems so are you. April is all about figuring out who you are. It’s a month a month of reflection, one which sees you staring at yourself and wondering how on earth a goat ended up with a mermaid’s tail. How did this happen? Did you escape from the island of Doctor Moreau? Look deep within yourself and you’ll find the answers. Just don’t talk the talk – you’ll fail at any degree of aggressive advancement at this stage. Instead, walk the walk… if indeed you can with a mermaid’s tail.
AQUARIUS
This month you are like the afternoon sugar rush of the star signs. You’ll be all hyper as you spin and twirl and go weeeeeee, but not wee in an inappropriate way… unless you like that sort of thing. No, weeeeeeeee as in a (Mc)flurry of activity kicking in just as everyone else sweeps into a lull. Get ready to get loud like Jennifer Lopez at a Superbowl… just hopefully not in quite such a bad outfit. I mean, I know JLo has back, but wearing white just accentuates that. You on the other hand? Well, we’ll just be glad to see the back of this month long sugar rush.
PISCES
Mmmmm, the only thing bigger than JLo’s butt are the budgets you have a scheming. Grand plans hey? Well, April is the perfect month to deal with them and to figure out how to fit everything in. The best bit about April though? Other than your very big… confidence? The fact that career opportunities are shaking themselves at you just like JLo shakes her ‘thang’ for attention… and in this day and age it’s more and more. Yes, your career is looking as big and illustrious as a celebrity hoochie. You go Pisces – oh mamma, slap that thang!
Beau de Vine
