ARIES (MAR 22 – APR 19)
It’s time to get out in the garden, dear Aries, and start a-digging and a-planting and a-seeding and a-green-thumbing, that garden being the metaphorical garden of life. Hit the world with the idea of making it a greener pasture. Put on a big floppy hat. Don’t be sluggish. Aphids are like K-Fed: a nuisance. Get one of the comfy kneeling pad things because hey, sometimes in order to get ahead in life you just need to get a little dirty in the garden. And while you’re down there, make sure your partner gets some attention, because love needs a little attention in order for it to become blooming marvellous.
TAURUS (APR 20 – MAY 20)
Strike a pose, there’s nothing to it! So croons new millennial hag Madonna, her of the endless reinventions. And for you, the coming month is all about Madonna’s timeless tagline: make your mark and make it look effortless. Because underneath it all, it won’t be: it’ll be emotionally testing. But on the surface, keep it cool, because if you can pull that off, you might just convince yourself that everything really is fine. Even if you do have arms like Madonna… shudder!
GEMINI (MAY 21 – JUNE 20)
Grrr, argh, hrmmm… these are the noises that you will be making if you don’t get your life sorted out a little and put on a definitive track. As bad as it sounds, you need to start sorting out what’s going where and how. It’s urgent that you do so. Blah, eeeeehn and wirrrr are not sounds you want to be making. Unless you’re constipated. Are you constipated? No? You will be if you don’t sort out what’s what. Ahhhh, sigh, wheee are the sounds you do want to be making. Go, release, let free….
CANCER (JUNE 21 – JULY 22)
Hi! Can you hear me in there!? Seems you’ve pulled back into your shell again there, Crabby. Why? Well, it appears finances have you hiding your head a little. Nothing really unusual there, but there is a silver lining: use this opportunity to examine the world around you. Yes, put those masterful people watching peepers to the test and examine. But it’s only a slight relief. You are still considerably stressed out about all of the possibilities that involve your cash flow. And these stresses won’t be going away.
LEO (JULY 21 – AUG 22)
There’s a lunar eclipse on the 9th of this month and it’s all about reinvention. How to reinvent yourself? Conical brazier and blonde crop top? Cowboy boots and curls? Old aged and divorced? Nope! Reinvention it seems comes in the guise of stepping up and proving yourself, with the catalyst the forthcoming lunar eclipse. And just think, in that moment that it takes place, and the lights dim, and everything goes all gloaming and surreal… just then… just for a moment… you could look all ‘horror show’… all ‘look like Madonna’! Be afraid. Be incredibly afraid.
VIRGO (AUG 23 – SEPT 22)
Busy busy busy! It seems you’re super busy at current. But for all your business and for all that ticking off the list… well, you might notice the momentum is beginning to show. And if it is you better stop for one second and breathe deep… 1, 2, 3… and exhale… 1, 2, 3. Right, now that I have you in the room: balance Virgo, balance. Strike a delicate ebb and flow of go, stop, go and you will achieve anything. Push yourself and you’re gonna burnout big time. Which would you prefer?
LIBRA (OCT 23 – NOV 21)
Ah, Libra… we can always trust on you to be having a gay old time while everyone else is credit crunch this and market crash that. Meanwhile, in Libra-ville there’s no such thing as a recession. Why? Because 2009 sees you tackle life with the rosiest rose coloured glasses that even you have ever seen. You’ll be reconnecting with all the things that bring you joy, and this month is a prime example. A friend will ask for help on the 9th. Be there for them, no matter what.
SCORPIO (OCT 23 – NOV 21)
Oh Scorpio, home is where the heart is which is incredibly fortunate for the rest of us. Five moments ago I was tempted to just cut and paste an old horoscope of yours into this month’s column but then I thought ‘wait, no… you still have a whole heap of love to share with dear old Scorpio, so get sharing!’. Which is exactly what I’m gonna do – share the love. Ok… here goes. Wait for it…. Hang on a sec…. Here it comes…. No, wait, false alarm. Oh, hang on…. Nope. Wait…. Nope. Hmmm. Oh, here we are…. Yeah, no sorry. No love to share. Oh well!
SAGITTARIUS (NOV 22 – DEC 20)It’s a big month filled with big ideas yet at the crux of it is the notion of overload. Yes, you’re at the brink of being swallowed whole by everything that’s going on around you. And there’s loads going on: you’re chatting up a storm, receiving plenty of feel good news and paying attention while it happens. But underneath it all is a knowledge that the consistent barrage is an onslaught you might just sink into. Take a leap of faith. Especially on the 9th.
CAPRICORN (DEC 21 – JAN 19)
It seems pleasures of the skin appeal this month. Whether that involves dressing up in fancy underwear or rubbing yourself against home appliances, one thing remains clear: you’re gonna be sticking it wherever you can. And by ‘it’ if I mean your attitude – well, this month doesn’t differ from most. But seriously, be on the watch out for tax drama around the lunar eclipse. Oh, and be aware of others’ needs and comfort levels. Plus watch out for wall sockets.
AQUARIUS (JAN 2 – FEB 18)
The past will whirl in and make a momentary guest appearance on the 5th. Yes, expect shivers up your back as you fall head first into a bad episode of Passions. Fortunately you won’t end up being a former Miss USA who then becomes a porn star, although some of you can dream. But seriously, most of you will change some part of yourself before the month ends. And it’s a short month. A very short month. Having a birthday does not count as change. I’m sure if you ask Capricorn they can recommend the number of a good plastic surgeon. Not that I’m implying anything… yet.
PISCES (FEB 19 – MAR 20)
Invest in yourself this month. It seems the only stable market at present is you, and even then you really aren’t that stable all the time, are you? But if you make a splash and paddle about in the deep (read ‘shallow’) murky waters of your being you will soon discover where new skills can be brought in not only to fill up space, but to make you appear more interesting. Note that I said ‘appear’. Said new skills won’t actually make you interesting… it’d take a few several tones of glitter, a purple aardvark and a temporal vortex to achieve that.
Beau de Vine
