When we are growing, one of the significant relationships we have is with our parents or with the person/persons who are responsible for taking charge of our needs. So right from the time we are born we are experiencing relationships. Initially being loved and cared for and then with the passage of time growing the capacity to love and care for our self and others. Very quickly some of us develop a notion that some relationships are more important than others and a hierarchy with expectations is formed in our minds. For example, you could have your primary partner relationship as being the most important then children, pets, other family, close friends, colleagues, other semi close friends, neighbours etc. What happens when our lived experience doesn’t match our expectations of relationships?

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If we are strongly attached to our hierarchy of relationships then we may experience a sense of loss from not having that relationship in our life. For example if we do not have a primary partner and it ranks highly within our ‘must have’ relationships, then we could be buying into the notion that we are in some way missing out. This could motivate us into some action to resolve the relationship discrepancy with varied results. However, what if we let go of the notion of which relationships should have the most meaning in our lives, and why? What if instead, we remained open to giving and receiving love and care in whatever shape or form it arrives and presents? After all can we really compare and rank between relationships? Is a 30 year relationship with a primary partner more valuable, meaningful or loving than a 30 year friendship? If a stranger was to save your life to the detriment of his own, are they demonstrating any less love than a primary partner?

Ultimately I believe the answer to these questions depends on the qualities of the experience and the meaning we choose to give them. Appreciating all the loving relationships in your life is one way of appreciating your life. It can feel scary making choices and being conscious of whom and how you love. Creating your own meaning from life can also be very empowering. I choose not to let HIV or any other health challenge that I or another person may have get in the way of a good, perhaps even delicious relationship.

Cipri Martinez