‘Twas the ish before Xmas and in par with the season,
Good TV shows dried up without much rhyme or much reason.
The Summer’s the time when the great new shows hit,
But all throughout Spring reviewers wade through the…not quite as good stuff;
There’s re-runs and repeats like you wouldn’t believe,
Fromoops of old SIMPSONS – no hope of reprieve,
And as we’re approaching the Xmassy night;
Enough sickly sweet crap to make WEBSTER take fright.
Like PRANCER, MUPPET’S CHRISTMAS CAROL, ELF, THE LAST LEAF
MRS SANTA CLAUS, SCROOGED, PRANCER 2- oh good grief!
They’re so happy, and merry they’d make Rudolph vomit,
Or indulge in a threesome with Blitzen and Comet
But you need not drown under this schmaltzy Yule-tide
Of good cheer and carols, and a Santa’s lap-ride;
Some keen sci-fi violence will do great in a pinch;
To suppress your pal Frosty and encourage the Grinch,
So whilst jolly Saint Nick prowls in your ‘hood,
Set your phasers to ‘Bi-Curious’ as we pop a TORCHWOOD (Mondays, Ten HD, 10:30pm)

TORCHWOOD, as any sci-fi fan worth their weight in dilithium crystals should know, is the first successful spinoff series to be launched from DOCTOR WHO (1981’s K9 AND COMPANY only lasted one episode before being put down). Since TORCHWOOD’s inception, we’ve also been treated to the further pursuits of the Doctor’s most beloved Companion in THE SARAH JANE ADVENTURES, so this is definitely one franchise bigger on the inside than on the outside. SARAH JANE ADVENTURES, however, is aimed at younger viewers, whereas TORCHWOOD is aimed strictly at those who’ve successfully grown hair on all their important parts.

- Advertisement -

The show is simple enough, in premise. The Torchwood Institute, located over a rift in Space/Time caused by the Doctor’s TARDIS in Victorian-era Wales, is set up on the rift to combat intra-dimensional sneak attacks from hostile, conquest-minded extra-terrestrials (and this being a WHO spinoff *all* alien life encountered is hostile and conquest minded) as well as to filch any resultant alien technology for the use of the British Empire.

TORCHWOOD is headed by the enigmatic Captain Jack Harkness (gorgeous, out gay actor John Barrowman) who literally bonks anything that moves- in past episodes he’s made bedroom eyes at men, women, robots and an anthropoid alien insect. The team he assembles under him (often in more ways than one) are all at least theoretically bisexual as well; if you tried to count all the same-sex encounters the team has had over the past two seasons, you’d need to be a Cyberman- and then Captain Jack would sleep with you and you’d have to start counting again anyway.

Ianto Jones (Gareth David-Lloyd) is the team’s general support and gopher. Arguably cuter than Jack (I do love me a sexy geek) Ianto is also currently Jack’s boyfriend. Ianto seems more heavily invested in the relationship than Jack is, but it’s still a sweet relationship and when was the last time you saw a major sci-fi series that had a prominent gay couple having on-screen sex (note: that dream you had about Kirk and Spock doesn’t count).

The show has had two seasons of sexual liaisons and intrigue of all flavours, and thwarting such alien threats as a living, sentient sex pheromone; a Cyberwoman; an alien brain tumour that refuses to be removed; evil alien Faeries; The ‘Attention Seeker’ a beautiful alien that feeds on being looked at and manifests as a hot dancer at a gay nightclub, and Captain Jack’s ex-boyfriend, Captain John, played by BUFFY’s James Marsters.

Next year will see three new team-members join the hub- a Doctor, a cop and a teacher. We’ll also be getting a classic WHO alien (so far hush-hush) as a major villain, the return of James Marsters as Captain John, the continuing repercussions of the team finding out about Jack and Ianto being boyfriends, and perhaps even a cameo by the Doctor himself.
Expand your horizons and watch it!!

Gavin Pitts