In pursuit of gardening triumph I somehow seem to have alienated my family ( they laughed at my attempts to bribe them with cake to help out with the bits involving actual work, got huffy when I used my last two columns to cast nastursiums on their characters and then stopped calling) and friends have been strangely uncommunicative lately. I did manage to haul over one friend – who I thought was promising for a bit of concrete paving haulage – with suggestions of a fun-filled afternoon getting up in drag, but unfortunately discovered that my plan was terribly flawed. A diva emerged who, whilst fully capable of frightening all the neighbours with effusive greetings and showtunes, was clearly unsuited to the unladylike prospect of shifting heavy things. That failed ploy lost me two birds with one stone, dammit – I had been thinking about getting friendly with the neighbours as a last resort.

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So what’s a girl to do in these situations? I guess the useful response is to downgrade the plans from the Bloomsbury brilliance of Vita Sackville West’s Sissinghurst to ‘possibly read about a garden once, it was kind of like, green, yeah?’ but clearly grand aspirations are not to be disrupted by paltry concerns like lack of unpaid labour. Nope. Creativity and rat-cunning are what is called for here. This is when I developed what I like to call my ‘Get Fit for Summer Exercise Regime’.

When it comes to fitness equipment, you could go out and buy a whole lot of things on the telly that fold away neatly under your bed and you can pay off in three easy instalments, but I have a much better plan.

It’s called Buffalo Grass. It’s green, it’s mean and although it seems to survive no water all summer by faking dead, it’s a bit passé in this save-water-kill-the-lawn era.

Even a couple of feet of it is enough to give you a jolly good substitute for PT-at-the-gym.

Step One – I achieved step one with the aid of a brilliant lawn edging tool by a WA company called McAtool. It’s like shears with giant handles – I liberated mine from my family, but I know you can get them at the big gardening shows because I had to find out how to replace the last one I broke by using it to prune Very Big Roses. Anyway the idea is to chop through the lawn in long strips about a hand span apart. A bit of shove is required here, but it’s mostly none too strenuous.

Step Two – Lunges. Oh boy do we love lunges. I’m really not sure what they work out but personal trainers seem to adore them so they must be good for something – even if it is just their own interest in human suffering. Jam a garden fork (again, check the family garden shed. Borrow…) into the stripes you just cut. Turn away from the stripes and lunge, pushing down on the handle as you go. See? Lunge, push. Looks like exercise, feels like exercise, probably is exercise – quite different to hard work.

Step Three – Squats. Now for the fun bit. Sort of. Remembering that bending your back isn’t so good for you, you’re going to have to do a whole bunch of squats to get down there and rip up those bits of turf you just lifted. This will take a while, and it will hurt tomorrow. Get it all up – or you’ll be pulling grass out of your garden beds for a good while. I’m thinking putting the bits you’ve dug up into the compost risks spreading lawn again, but I’m just an amateur so do with them what you will.

Step Four – Bicep Curl. Get a pot of your best after garden bevvy and lift mouth-wards. I recommend finding a chair to sit in for extra stability.

At this point one can contemplate the next phase of exercise that could involve lifting – bags of manure, some mulch, that sort of thing. If you are sensible this could be a good time to contemplate laying down below ground retic, which will save water and be good for the new plants you have in mind. This workout is particularly recommended for this time of year as you want to get a few plants in for a last gasp of Spring before the brutal assault of Summer heat really hits.

So where’s the rat-cunning in all this? Well as I hop, skipped and jumped my way through clearing a whole bunch of turf I plotted a series of brand new tailored personal training systems that crossed a workout with gardening. I figured I could get me one of those gym classes that haunt parks these days into my yard for a bit of ‘Fitness ‘n’ Flora’.

Thanks, yes, I was feeling a little calmer after a cup of tea and a good sit down. Possibly I had not developed a world beatingly marketable and fascinating idea. Maybe not even a terribly practical one. But if even a few people thought it was interesting…thought it could be the answer to their wearying backyard/ wearing bikini issues…Maybe I’m back in business with a labour force. No?

Well, let’s see. You’ve made it to the end of my story…so… what are you doing next Saturday?

In the garden this month

Well if one insists on actually talking about gardening in the gardening column…

Just when you’ve decided that you and Nature are not on speaking terms over the plague of bugs incident, she batts her eyelids and you remember there’s cleverness and beauty and glorious things…

Like the intelligence of sunflowers for instance. In the mornings when I get up early to water them, they are facing me – awaiting the rising sun. If I water the leaves, the whole plant bends gracefully so as not to get its face wet. I’m glad that now they’re taller I can just water the ground beneath them and leave their faces undisturbed. It’s whacky, but by the time I see them in the evening they’ve turned around to face the setting sun.

I’m very pleased that they’ve coped with sand, a bit of manure and mulch and are now almost as tall as I am. Hopefully by Christmas they will all be flowering, and if I’m really lucky, I will get some of the seeds before the cockies do.

It’s been quite a growing season, the new lippia lawn has taken off, as has the oregano. I’m taking a tilt at keeping a whole variety of thyme alive over summer again – despite success only with common thyme last year. Maybe this thyme I’ll be lucky…

Despite my recent unfortunate efforts with noxious chemicals, there seems to be more of balanced ecosystem finally evolving in the garden. Flying beasties of all descriptions abound, and I even have what sounds very much like a frog in residence.

I learnt something important this month. I kind of knew that Tulips should be lifted each year, stored and then given a whirl in the fridge before replanting the following Autumn. One should also let the leaves die down before listing, as this is when bulbs withdraw nutrients to store for next year. But here’s the thing. If you let the leaves die down (and are so silly as to plant a bunch of stuff over the top) you can’t find them again. Word to the wiser than me – mark your tulips’ location when they’re growing.

Seeing as we’re sharing advice, I need help. Lemon trees. I’ve tried Seasol, manure, trace elements, potash, mulch, pruning nearby plants and yet the leaves persist in a colour that’s a lot like green, if you leave out the blue. Apparently a bit of urea helps, but I’m pretty sure that’s mostly for backyard lemon trees, and blokes. Any advice gratefully received…

Have a great Christmas in the garden, and let’s hope this year it’s not over 40 degrees again cos getting up before Santa to do the mulching and watering bites.