Our letter this week comes from KP. GO KP!!! Well done for getting in there! She writes:
Dear On The Couch,
My girlfriend is a kind and gentle person generally but has been talking more and more about wanting to us to dress up in kinky costumes and play out different roles and so on in our love life. I’m worried she isn’t turned on by me without them. I am really hot for my girl and the idea of playing these games and experimenting with pain turns me on, but part of me is worried about how far we both will take it and whether it is safe. Help! – KP
OtC replies:
Hi KP – thanks for your email. To be honest I could write pages and pages in response to your questions and definitely recommend you both do some research on kink, fetish and bdsm (bondage discipline sado-masochism). It is important to be informed in approaching any of the choices you both make as you “play”.
In response to your question about WHY your girlfriend would want to dress you up, you said you are worried she isn’t attracted to you any more. Is there anything else in your relationship that would make you think she is not attracted to you? Wanting to play dress ups doesn’t mean she is bored or disinterested in you. There is also nothing wrong in wanting to spice things up a little now and then, so don’t worry about it meaning anything bad. In fact, it could just be she is so attracted to you she’d like to dress you up in hot outfits to celebrate that!
To examine the psychology of kink wear… dressing up is about outwardly expressing an inner process or desire. Contrasts, extremes and pure expression of desire (without shame and with permission to be as down and dirty as you like!) can be part of dressing up.
Sometimes we dress up to be a character or take on a role that allows us to have an experimental foray into what turns us on. It can be a way to test the water in what is part of our nature or curiosity, but not part of what we’d comfortably express as our every day selves (some may bring that desire into part of their every day life, others leave it only in the realm of play… . there is a huge range and ALL of it is okay!).
It sounds as though you are open to playing and enjoying this area of expression but are unsure about how to proceed. In terms of playing out scenes and roles, there really are no limits to the imagination. What you must do is always play safe. Discuss limits… . be clear on what you might like to try, might be cautious but curious about, and what may be absolutely off limits. There are even questionnaires in books or on the Internet that detail a range of activities and allow for the respondent to rate interests in these activities. When it comes to anything you do, and especially when taking on information from the Internet, always use common sense.
You can also express desires during play itself – if you don’t want to spell things out you can use simple code such as saying a colour, where different colours indicate whether to do it harder, do it more softly or change tack in what is being done, for example.
In terms of enjoying pain, it can be arousing to relinquish control and give over to overwhelming intense sensation. After all, an orgasm could be described the same way and there are a lot of people out there who experience the pleasure/pain connection. Always have a “safe word”, a word you wouldn’t ordinarily mention during intimate times that you could say if you need things to stop. This can be used broadly for whenever a limit is reached during any kind of play. A friend of mine used the word “groceries”, which of course meant her heart was set a flutter whenever anyone mentioned going shopping! If you are using gags or in any way limiting what you could say clearly, you can also use signals such as having a bell to ring or an object to drop.
A general book on bdsm will take you through these techniques and a lot more!
Whether you take a submissive or dominant role or enjoy being a ‘switch’ (someone who likes playing either role, depending on their moods and inclinations) psychologically the headspace either party gets into during play can be very intense. ‘Sub space’ is an intense state that can occur for submissives during play – a state so intense it can make it difficult to communicate ones needs or desires. Partners need to account for this by thinking ahead and by being very clear on what is okay. It is important to have time to talk things through and feel safe, both before and after play. It is critical to establish that each person has valued what they have participated in and that anything that has transpired was good for both people. Dominants are also engaging in a headspace where they are taking risks and need to reassured and safe in their actions. Yes, Doms need love too!!!
Ultimately, as in with any relationship, respecting each other’s boundaries is key. For some people, what happens in play stays in play – it would be presumptuous for a dominant to enact dominance in every day life just because it happens in play… unless of course you end up turning your play into a 24/7 situation (where submission and dominance is played out throughout your ordinary lives). Similarly, it is not okay to simply move into the submissive or dominant role when you want to play without consulting your partner – as this does not respect the play space that you BOTH need to agree on. If you have differing desires on how you want to play and when you want to play, then these differences need to be discussed towards a mutually agreeable outcome. Some people believe dominants hold ‘the power’, many others maintain the real power lies with submissives. Your play, as with your relationship, should be based on equality of power and mutual respect, regardless of how you play or who plays what role.
So, go out there, get some information, be open and communicative with your partner, be safe and ENJOY!
You can send letters regarding relationship issues to our qualified clinical psychologist at On the Couch via couchdoctor@www.outinperth.com or to PO Box 372 Bayswater 6933. All letters will remain confidential. *This column is not intended to be an alternative to therapy. If you feel you need to pursue therapy in person, you can contact our staff at OutinPerth who will be able to put you in touch with our writer, who in turn can offer a range of alternatives for professional assistance.
