Ahh, High School. Those were the halcyon days of youth, readers- I spent many a blissful school-day hiding in the library stacks to avoid homophobic bullies during lunch hour (the sci-fi/fantasy shelves were best, being darkest, and a hardcover Tolkien made a good defensive weapon if caught); trying desperately to think of the more hideous lunch-ladies in the showers after PE to deflate surrounded-by-hot-guys-in-the-locker-room erections, and wishing we’d have less still-lives of bowls of fruit and more hot male life models to paint in Art Class. Hey- wait a minute, school wasn’t that much fun at all! Ahem, well, whilst I’m reliving my childhood trauma with the school guidance counselor and trying not to Hulk out every time I smell chalk dust, let’s catch up with the new students at a school that must have been really, really good. A school that was so good, that none of the students seemed to ever leave – even when they were in their early thirties. Class, open your geography books to the page on Beverly Hills, as we try and make the grade with 90210 (Monday September 8, Ten-8:30pm).

Due to his resemblance to either a) Dracula or b) the current Pope (take your pick- both are ancient, cunning creatures that prey on the hospitality of the unwary), I always thought that venerable TV producer Aaron Spelling was as immortal- and uncancellable- as some of his more famous TV shows. Certainly CHARMED was on the air forever despite being so witchy-washy that I suspected the only thing keeping it onscreen was actual magick. Spelling finally rolled his personal final credits in 2006, but so far he has yet to return from the grave as a re-run. However, one of his more famous creations has dusted off the pompoms and letterman jackets, gotten some Botox injections so they could pass for teens again and applied for a new term at West Beverly Hills High. 90210 is the spinoff prom-night baby of BEVERLY HILLS 90210, a massively popular teen soapie that ran from 1990 to 2000. The actors in BEVERLY HILLS 90210 were mostly pushing thirty, which made the BEVERLY cast increasingly creepy-looking as the years went by. At least the high-schoolers in BUFFY had various supernatural shenanigans to blame when someone called them on their ages, but what was the excuse for 28-year old Luke Perry’s casting as 17-year old high school student Dylan? Did they keep him back 15 times until he finally got long division?!

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90210 is the third spinoff of the show (after MELROSE PLACE and MODELS INC) and like various other ‘Next Generation’ shows before it, such as STAR TREK NEXT GENERATION and DEGRASSI HIGH NEXT GENERATION (different genres, same troubles with weird skin on their foreheads), will be featuring cameos from classic characters from the original series (read ‘actors who are desperate for a pay check and a hot meal and it was either this or playing a corpse on CSI’). Shannon Doherty, who played queen bitch Brenda Walsh so well that she method-acted the part for decades both preceding and following the series; Tori Spelling and the non-Euclidian angles of her cleavage; Jason Priestley (whom, I must admit, can actually act and whom has gotten seriously hot with a bit of natural ageing) all pop in and out in guest appearances. The new kids on the woodshop block are all pretty much new faces (pretty new faces too), and are actually of high school age, which probably saves the makeup department a fortune on monkey glands and polyfiller.

Despite its soap-opera leanings, the original BEVERLY HILLS 90210 did occasionally touch on some interesting teen issues- suicide, pregnancy, HIV/AIDS, racism and (in one episode) homosexuality. Given that Hollywood seems to have finally realized that gay people have collectively moved on from the seventies, might we see a gay or lesbian student as a cast regular, or even a queer room set up on campus for various guest-starring characters to angst their way to a Daytime Emmy nomination in? We shall see.

There’s the bell! Stop making out and get to class! You can make out more there!