ARIES (MAR 21 – APR 19)
There’s something brewing Aries, and it isn’t ram stew. Or is it? Well, let’s put it this way – if you don’t pay attention to your partner’s needs this month, you will be in a stew. And I’m not talking the aromatic, slow-cooking kinda stew either, although there will be a wafting smell coming from your projects as they simmer on the backburner. Around the 8th and 14th you can expect excitement and news in regards to work. Importance and recognition are a dish best served hot… and with a sprig of rosemary… and a dash of thyme.
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TAURUS (APR 20 – MAY 20)
Scratchie, scratch, scratch. What’s that sound? It’s the scurry and scamper of lots of small footed things… afoot. Yes, the ground is awash in a blur of motion as work and health matters come to the fore like a parasitic rampage. Eek, you may squeak, how am I not to freak? Easy… grab every opportunity by the tail. Yes, they may have small paws and twitching whiskers, but these rodent-like occurrences provide not only increased income with bubonic plague proportions, but also the chance to get healthy from alternative transport methods… much like rats fleeing a sinking ship. Is your skin crawling yet? Squeak squeak!
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GEMINI (MAY 21 – JUNE 20)
The dynamic duo that is your life features heavily for you this month, Twin-face. And not in the ‘oh my god, it’s my evil twin brother Neville who was really my son dating my mother who killed me that was posing as me but was really me from a parallel universe’ kinda way. Wow… your head is screwy. No, instead it’s partnerships which present themselves this September. Expect finances to grow, either from a pairing or your partner’s own income being increased. Expect the appearance of a friend, old or new. Everything love, child or friend orientated will be doubled from the 12th to 14th. Make decisions before the 24th. And beware your evil twin brother Neville on the 26th.
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CANCER (JUNE 21 – JULY 22)
Dear, delicious, delectable, Cancer. You look positively… edible today. Like a California Roll, you are fresh, light and mouth-watering. Mmm… crab! And just as I desire a spot of crustacean, so the universe would like to take a long, slow, succulent bite out of you, particularly since you’re just so inviting this month. Adding to the lusciousness of now is the fact that lines of communication between you and someone special open up like a crab’s pincer. And come the full moon mid-month, well… you’ll be choking with excitement at news that involves education and travel. Mmm… let me show you my Heimlich.
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LEO (JULY 21 – AUG 22)
Meow meow meow, meow meow meow, meow meow meow meow meoow. Do you like? It’s ‘Jingle Bells’ in cat. Cute huh? If you answered no, then stop reading… I don’t like you anymore. But if you answered yes – well, we’re the best of friends dear Kitty Cat. And just as my talent is in translating Christmas Carols into Cat, your natural talents will also shine this month… shine, like a Christmas Star. And it’s only September!!! But like the season of giving, you can’t seem to shut up when it comes to your ideas, can you? Meow meow meow, you go. Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow.
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VIRGO (AUG 23 – SEPT 22)
September. Lot’s happening. Yeah, if I really liked you I’d probably go to great lengths and tell you in intimate details exactly what’s happening. But since I don’t like you – and not through any fault of your own, just for the simple fact that I don’t like you – well, there’s no point going into such detail. Instead, what happens to you this month, well that’s easy to surmise, and I’m able to do so in one word. What happens to you this month? Stuff! Enough said.
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LIBRA (SEPT 23 – OCT 22)
Is there anything you can’t do Libra? I mean, it’s like you’re the star attraction. Everything is falling in your lap. Material and immaterial. All things bountiful spill into you. Change your name to Cornucopia. And if you don’t know what that is Google it… or get an education. But seriously, magnificent opportunities arise before the full moon on the 15th, followed by health and wealth the day after the 15th, while toward the end expect acquisitions. Thank God you can’t acquire fabulousness – you’re already born with that!
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SCORPIO (OCT 23 – NOV 21)
See Virgo. Just add more malice. And less stuff. Then read it again. And again.
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SAGITTARIUS (NOV 22 – DEC 20)
The stars, they are a saying that now is the perfect time to be asking for a raise, particularly before the 24th. Well, why ask for one when you can demand one? You’re nothing but a half-horse, bow-slinging hybrid who has stumbled their way out of some sick, sad and terribly dead mythology! There… did that get a raise? If not, you’re tougher than you look, oh monstrosity of monsters. You should also be on the lookout this month, particularly for pitchfork wielding angry mobs, the kind that runs around with ye olde fashioned torches, perfect for kindling vigilantism. Burn the monster! Burn!
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CAPRICORN (DEC 21 – JAN 19)
See Sagittarius. Just add more angry mobsters, more pitchforks, more torches and more name calling. Yes, I love you too Capricorn, I love you too.
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AQUARIUS (JAN 20 – FEB 18)
A spirit has a grip of you this September. Yes, possession is nine tenths of the law and is ghoulish fun, so get your Ouija on and table wrap with the best of The Other Side. Hell, even go so far as to cut two holes into your partner’s best Egyptian cotton bed sheets and run around going ‘woooooo’! The stars demand it! Singles will find romance (love at dead sight) and help will magically appear (poof!). Expect sudden insights in regards to possession and possessions around the full moon. Ooh, and expect to get into heaps of trouble for cutting holes in your lover’s expensive Egyptian cotton bed sheets. Bad ghostie!
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PISCES (FEB 19 – MAR 20)
Dear Pisces, so long and thank you for all the fish. Yes, your wet bits are certainly appreciated this month and lo, the rewards are swimming in like bloated sea carcasses riding the high tide. Get ready to get water-logged with opportunity as income increases, success follows and a partnership sings to you like a sultry siren from the sea. Yes, smash upon the rocks of love. Who knows, you may suddenly evolve after the emotional full moon and find that you can not only walk on land, but breathe air too! Ha! Unlikely, but creepy looking sea creatures can dream. Are you sure you shouldn’t be reading Sagittarius?
