ARIES
You are an adventure novel. Pack your backpack, grab a map and get ready to thrill swing through some unknown land. There will be bad guys and a prize plus romance… oh the romance. You will face death this month, many times, but being the hero that you are you will survive, possibly even develop your own personal theme tune that plays every time you prepare to face another adventure. By the end of the month you’ll need a nice nap.
TAURUS
This month you are a horror. How is that different from other months? Not very. But this month hair will sprout from your palms and you will find you will desire the taste of human blood and misery. How is that different from other months? Not very. You will bay at the moon and lurk in dank cemeteries and lurch in a quest for brains, mmmm, fresh brains. How is that different from other months? Not very.
GEMINI
Science fiction, double feature. Dr X will build a creature. You are that creature, from the not so distant future, riding a giant silver spaceship. You bring with you all the wonders of the future and quarks and nebulas and other such fancy things. Unfortunately no-one reads science fiction anymore, so they won’t pay much notice to your attention grabbing sky displays. Now, if you were cyberpunk there might be some hope. But until then you are a galaxy far, far away.
CANCER
With a heaving bosom you will be swept off your feet, a rollicking bodice ripping month swooning ahead of you. Romance will bristle beneath your touch and goosebumps will gaggle the skin. Oh, the smell of roses is a smell that will remind others of you, your beauty, your astonishment. To even say your name will leave others… breathless.
LEO
You are a chick lit novel in size-too-small but oh-so-fabulous heels this month. You will Bridget Jones all over the place. The whole month will turn into a quest for modern-day romance, one where body image, career and that striking sense of independence will be the qualities that carry you through. Don’t worry – you’ll be made into an equally as painful rom-com by the start of December.
VIRGO
In the spirit of independence you are a DIY manual. Trust you to be boring.
LIBRA
Mmmmm. You are erotic like an erotic novel. Every turn of your pages will turn people on. You are so dirty that if people were to read you they’d need to carry instant hand sanitizer. Oh my, you want to do what? Oh… really. Oh. Yeah. That’s it. Oh. Yeah. Oh. My. God. Oh. Yeah. That’s it. Oh. Yeah. Oh. My. God. Oh. Yeah. That’s it. Oh. Yeah. Oh. My. God. Oh. Yeah. That’s it. Oh. Yeah. Oh. My. God. Yes! Yes! Yes! Sorry… could you pass me the instant hand sanitizer please.
SCORPIO
You are a trashy $2 novel. People like to hang around you because they’re the type of people who think just owning books makes them look clever and witty. Ultimately, people use you as a door jamb because there is nothing more satisfying then seeing you wedged tight beneath something incredibly large and heavy. Like my Range Rover.
SAGITTARIUS
You are a bad ‘tween romance, the kind that will see you played with R-Pratz, just with more of a perpetual constipated look on your face. Part Potter, part New Moon, your month will be spent thinking you’re all that when really you aren’t. Ok, so Rowling had it going on, but this new broad? I hear it goes downhill by the time you hit the fourth novel. As if it wasn’t by the second! But seriously, people are wondering how on earth so many spelling mistakes got through. Maybe they were self-published? Who knows? Oh… sorry.
CAPRICORN
You are a field-guide to the great and mystical creatures of the unknown, which is fitting, seeing as though you are a sea-goat. Now people can identify you and point and stare and potentially laugh and snigger under their breaths as they recoil in disgust at what you are. Horrifying? Yes. Monstrous? Naturally. Hmmm, maybe it’s just another average month for you…?!
AQUARIUS
In this spiritual new age, you’re a book that divines the stars and tells people how they should live their lives. Yes, in typical form you are a know-it-all, but the worst kind: the spiritual know-it-all. Yes, rub your chakra, open that third eye and stick a crystal somewhere sacred. And while you’re at it – get out of my aura!
PISCES
This month you’re a culinary book of delights. You will discover the joys of wearing a sprig of rosemary. Cracked pepper is your friend and adds that perfect bit of spice to any outfit. A dash of lemon might sting your eyes but it’ll bleach your hair too as you lay out to slowly sizzle. People’s mouths will water at the very sight of you as you expose your tender, slightly cooked skin. Mmmmm….
Beau de Vine
