Having genital dysphoria gives you a pretty distorted world-view. It’s hard to stay objective about your body, your sex-life, your identity, when you feel like you have this aberration between your legs. That’s why I opted to have it surgically removed and turned into a vagina – a procedure I had carried out earlier this year.
From getting in the shower or putting on underwear, to the awkward conversations with new partners, that dysphoria made it hard to really conceptualize what surgery would actually be like. So to my 26-year-old self, here’s what you need to know.
It’s actually not all that special.
The fact that sexual reassignment surgery (SRS) is even an option for trans people is nothing short of a goddamn miracle. It’s easy to get swept up in the idea of surgery being this glorious re-birth – this summation of your transition and the end of the struggle – but as much as it is life-changing and mind-blowing and dysphoria-killing, you are having SRS to feel normal.
Most surgeons who perform SRS do between 3 and 5 a week, 48 weeks a year. This creates a conveyer belt effect; where a new person is shuffled along from hotel to hospital to clinic and back again daily. It all starts with the hospital, and….
There is nothing sexy about hospitals.
For some reason you’re convinced the hospitals in Thailand are going to be 5-star resorts with coconut mojitos and cabana boys with palm fronds gently fanning you as you recovered pool-side. In reality the SRS ward is all harsh, stripped down concrete halls on the 9th floor of a building that would make even the most ardent brutalism fan quiver. Not that it really matters, because 95% of your time there will be spent lying in a tiny carriage bed.
Five days straight you lie on that bed, a tonne of bandages wrapped around your groin, a catheter and a blood drain poking out, doped up on as much morphine as you can get before the nurses take it away from you and unable to poop no matter how many mocha frappes your mum smuggles up from the cafe downstairs. Feeling special yet? No? Good, because…
This is going to hurt. A lot.
And it’s not going to stop hurting for a long, long time. Even once you’re allowed out of that bed you will be very keen to get horizontal as often as possible. Popping pain killers only gets you so far, and chronic pain saps your energy and your patience and leaves you buried in a constant malaise. You tell yourself it’s going to get better, but it really doesn’t – the pain just morphs and expands into new areas. A sore back from lying down all day, weak muscles from never exercising, raw and cracked heels from them always rubbing on the bed, and as the actual surgery site heals you go from a general ache to the more specific burn of tissue damage, the chunky irritation of swollen areas, and the sharp pangs as nerves reconnect. Which is why…
You are going to crash.
You invested a lot in SRS – feelings, money, time, anxiety, fear, hope – and once you’re finally on the other side of it all of that is going to come flooding back on you like a tsunami. Add in the pain of recovery and it’s not a matter of “if” you’ll break down under that load, it’s a matter of when.
Being post-op is mostly pain and isolation and endless worry over depth, and the only people who can really empathise are the other patients going through their recovery with you. Having that support group around you is damn important, and it is often the only way to see yourself through these depressive episodes. Everyone heals in their own way, but the support of your new friends will help normalise the process and make a world of difference to your mental health. Especially when you consider that…
Complications are super common.
Like, there-is-a-100%-chance-you-will-have-complications common. Granulation (where skin grows over a small cut before it can properly heal) and necrotic tissue (dead or dying skin that sloughs off as new healthy skin grows underneath it) are two of the most common issues, but everything from popped stitches, blocked urethras, excessive bleeding, bruising, micro tears and even swelling so bad your labia literally detaches from the base of your vulva can and do happen.
Remember – it’s a conveyor belt. The clinic staff have seen literally everything that could go wrong with surgery and all you’re going to hear is “it’s ok, don’t stop dilating”. Because of this, it is super important to advocate for yourself and not just accept that whatever is going wrong will sort itself out. This applies to anything from issues with your neo-vagina, to any medications you are taking (some pain killers can really mess with you if you’re on SSRI’s, or conversely going off SSRI’s to take pain killers can actually be worse for you), or how hormones are affecting you.
Putting yourself through all this is incredibly challenging – and it continues to be a challenge well after you leave Thailand. That’s ok, because the most important thing to know is…
It is so totally worth it.
Seriously. You have a vagina! It’s still sore and swollen but it’s brilliant and sexy and amazing. You can wear whatever you want and not have to worry about tucking anymore. And oh my god just wait until you get to feel how good oral sex is now.
It hasn’t solved all your problems; you still have body issues and you still struggle with accepting yourself. But it has freed you from the incessant need to prove yourself as female, to constantly reinforce your femininity or feel ashamed for enjoying masculinity. You finally get to define yourself, and that’s worth suffering for.
Bailey Lions
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Photography:Â Alice Chapman
MUA: Loren Sadik
awesome article!
good to know
What awonderful inspiring article. I can only wish.
Julie Bethany
As a spouse to one who had the surgery, almost a year ago, she speaks the truth. My wife had it here in the US and this is a very accurate portrayal. The hospital and aftercare was….ok…and her recovery has been slow, painful and challenging. It takes a year to know what the final results look like, and she will likely have some revisions. Its long and hard. She is happy and life is good despite this hard year of pain and dilators and healing and angst,and no regrets..but it is NOT over quickly nor is it easy.
Good to read but wonder if things are better via UK NHS, not Thailand
This should be added to the PHS (Program in Human Sexuality program at the University of Minnesota, for non-local folk) intro package.
Sounds about right. Sigh . . . But, I am still going forward, with an age related issue or two tossed in. And at least doing so in the U.S. Nothing against other nations, but myfriends and support are here, and I understand the language.
I feel sorry for you if you went through that much trouble and drugs because of the pain. I felt fantastic and I don’t remember pain, I was just happy. I only spent 4 days in the hospital. I did have necrotic tissue that I had to go back to have scraped off and spent a day on antibiotics.
I did not go to Thailand. I went to Montreal and had my surgery done by Dr. Brassard, and that was one of the best times of my life. I didn’t have hardly any pain, except for the stent which was annoying. For me the pain from surgery was about equal to a mild sunburn down there.
Makeing it sound harsher than it is Hun. That may be your take on it, and your experience. It is not everyone’s. I had mine 4 years ago, and from some of the things you describe, I am guessing the same surgion. The Hospital bed is rather hard, and my being 58 at the time and with a back that has not been the best since I compressed a disc at 25, I did not enjoy it, but it was managable. I was not tied to a bed after leaving the hospital, as ametter of fact I was walking all over town with my sister by the third day. I spent 3 more weeks in Thailand after the surgey, I went back to work a week after I got home. It was rather uncomfortable, and I did not work my usual 10 to 12 hours, but cut it to 6 or 8. By the way, I drive a class 8 truck for a living, a LOG truck, so the roads are mostly rough to non-existant. After 3 more weeks I was back to 10 to 12 hours with no discomfort. By the way, I did not take any pain killers after leaving the hospital, except Ibuprophen for my back on occasion.
My name is Janey Kay McNamee. I had my SRS done with the very best SRS and cosmetic surgeon in the world Dr Chettawut Tulayapanichs. His personal limo driver picks you up at the airport. You will be taken to a five star resort where all his patients stay….with a significant discount. Dr Chett will provide you with his wife Tair’s personal cell phone number. Two nurses Newt and Hoila will come to your room twice daily to attend to all your medical and emotonal needs. For example they brought me a birthday cake. I have been to hospitals all over America including the Mayo Clinic. The hospital where Dr Chett will perform your surgery and where you will stay during your initial week of recovering is well beyond impeccable. Due to family emergencies I had to fly home less than 18 hours following my surgery. Absolutely no complications. My gynicologisy Nicole Rogers will tell you I have the internal boday of a 30 year old woman. Bless the Lord i am a REAL woman. The intimacy I enjoy is total erotic ecstacy
My name on facebook is Janey Kay and I have a website named “Look to the clouds for all your answers”….one thing I didnt mention is that Dr Chett’s surgery was so incredible I not only have amazing sensitivity and over 8 inches of depth. If anyone has anyone concerns or questions feel free to email me at jdevilette@yahoo.com
I went to Dr Marci Bowers, breast augmentation at the same time, no complications, very fast healing, pain was manageable without any pain meds. Everyone’s experience is different. I’ve not experienced any post-op emotional crash, but only relief and happiness.
But what about trans men like my husband? Have you forgot about them?
Makes you yhink who you really want t o do t for you. So many options on which doctor to chhoose that will do a Great job without problems later !!!
I loved the article..maybe someday, when i have the money..but that is a dream.
i cant wait to get my srs feb13 my wife set it up in mexico she wants me to havea vagina too
Ok reading this totally makes me not want to get SRS lol
my thoughts exactly on the subject. ^_^ if only i had the financial means to get the surgery.. *sigh* maybe someday~~
A loverly story.I guese i was luccky as had no complecations,and very little pain except the first night , and got over it quickly,Then again i only had cosmetic ,due my age (Now 66) nearly 2 years ago,Brighton, as i couldnt see the point of going full op ,as still married to my former wife ,Were both celebet ,so sex wasnt an issue ,so i thought i cant do the dirty across her and try things out ,Hence going cosmetic.
There is no pain or complications that could stop me from getting SRS.
Hi everyone i am Roxann Elisabeth Cuthbertson on my second week of post opp and i feel amazing all i know is my dream as come true thank to Mr Thomas and his team at Nuffield Hospital Brighton UK the pain and discomfort that comes with the surgery as almost gone just every now and a gain it comes just to let me know to take it easy i suffer from Arthritis and in constant pain with my body so i guess a bit more pain is not noticable in a silly way but i am so happy now and at 63 yrs old i am going to make up for lost time and live the rest of my days as a woman , take care everyone out there lots of love to you all x Roxy the Minx
wow, so great an article..thanks
wow, so great an article..thanks
wow, so great an article..thanks
WoW,,that sad she had such unhappy events SRS,,,,,My self i had pleasure of Dr Saran , 5 star hospital Piyavate Bangkok Thailand 2013 Jan 26 ,, about pain ,,well yes for first week but was able to go walk have smok ok ,SLOWLY ,, but then it was just discomfort ,,like hard tucking feeling for few weeks ,,Yes event can happen ,i rupture my self ,, first dilation , but repair fix very quick ,,, But any operation come with chance and risk ,,But im now 3 years post-op and i do again today if had too,, best eventthing i done for my self ,,
WoW,,that sad she had such unhappy events SRS,,,,,My self i had pleasure of Dr Saran , 5 star hospital Piyavate Bangkok Thailand 2013 Jan 26 ,, about pain ,,well yes for first week but was able to go walk have smok ok ,SLOWLY ,, but then it was just discomfort ,,like hard tucking feeling for few weeks ,,Yes event can happen ,i rupture my self ,, first dilation , but repair fix very quick ,,, But any operation come with chance and risk ,,But im now 3 years post-op and i do again today if had too,, best eventthing i done for my self ,,
I had my surgery in Montreal, and it was one of the best times of my life. I give thanks for Dr. Pierre Brassard and his staff each and every day. I had hardly any pain (other than the stent that was in for a few days).
I had my surgery in Montreal, and it was one of the best times of my life. I give thanks for Dr. Pierre Brassard and his staff each and every day. I had hardly any pain (other than the stent that was in for a few days).
This is just one person’s experience. Don’t generalize from that! I went to Dr. Meltzer in Scottsdale AZ for all my sets of surgeries on 3 different days.
1) He, his staff, https://www.honorhealth.com/locations/specialty-care/greenbaum-surgical-specialty-hospital, and its staff were all great! The hospital doesn’t have bare concrete walls. It and the food were very nice!
2) Meltzer doesn’t have you lying in bed for 5 days. I had one complete day of bed rest after surgery. After that I was walking. I didn’t spend 95% of my time lying in bed which was a nice bed and not a tiny carriage one.
3) Pain management was great both when I was on a narcotic drip and when I just took pills! I could demand more if needed within limits. I didn’t take many narcotic pain relief pills after I left the hospital.
4) I didn’t get a sore back from lying down all day, weak muscles from never exercising, raw and cracked heels from them always rubbing on the bed, a general ache to the more specific burn of tissue damage, the chunky irritation of swollen areas, or had the bad facial bruising I’ve seen some gals post after their FFS.
5) It took some days to defecate after my first two surgeries because I was on a liquid diet and I had to cleanse my digestive system before my vaginoplasty, but probiotics, stool softeners, and solid food got me defecating very well.
7) I never crashed and was never isolated. My driving companion and even my very busy brother visited, and Meltzer or one of his great staff visited at least once per day.
8) I’ve had some complications, but not granulation or necrotic tissue sloughing off massively.
9) Meltzer does a lot of operations, but I never felt like I was on a conveyor belt.
10) I never had issues accepting my body.
This is just one person’s experience. Don’t generalize from that! I went to Dr. Meltzer in Scottsdale AZ for all my sets of surgeries on 3 different days.
1) He, his staff, https://www.honorhealth.com/locations/specialty-care/greenbaum-surgical-specialty-hospital, and its staff were all great! The hospital doesn’t have bare concrete walls. It and the food were very nice!
2) Meltzer doesn’t have you lying in bed for 5 days. I had one complete day of bed rest after surgery. After that I was walking. I didn’t spend 95% of my time lying in bed which was a nice bed and not a tiny carriage one.
3) Pain management was great both when I was on a narcotic drip and when I just took pills! I could demand more if needed within limits. I didn’t take many narcotic pain relief pills after I left the hospital.
4) I didn’t get a sore back from lying down all day, weak muscles from never exercising, raw and cracked heels from them always rubbing on the bed, a general ache to the more specific burn of tissue damage, the chunky irritation of swollen areas, or had the bad facial bruising I’ve seen some gals post after their FFS.
5) It took some days to defecate after my first two surgeries because I was on a liquid diet and I had to cleanse my digestive system before my vaginoplasty, but probiotics, stool softeners, and solid food got me defecating very well.
7) I never crashed and was never isolated. My driving companion and even my very busy brother visited, and Meltzer or one of his great staff visited at least once per day.
8) I’ve had some complications, but not granulation or necrotic tissue sloughing off massively.
9) Meltzer does a lot of operations, but I never felt like I was on a conveyor belt.
10) I never had issues accepting my body.
thanks for writing this! very important stuff
thanks for writing this! very important stuff
hugs
Great article!
In many ways a great article I can relate to. I am sex change also.
But have to wonder if you went to the right surgeon. Mine was in Thailand also. The hospital was brilliant and I was there for 2+weeks. Nurses did bed baths and daily massages when one was bed ridden for three days. Beautiful gardens to stroll and everyone was fantastic. The Mum of a fellow patient from England was a Top notch theartre nurse and insisted on looking in the O/R before her daughters surgery. She commented to me it was as good as anything in England.
The pain from BA was far greater than from GRS. I was only on morphene for a day and panadine another day. I know many girls who have been to him and none had any problems of Granulation or necrotic tissue or any complications. But he does a 3 stage operation not all in one day. I have heard it said he has a 97%+ success rate with skin grafts. But he does skin grafts differently than most. Over 4 days.
I spend a week following release from hospital in my Surgeons condo recovering. Relaxing by 1 of 2 pools or sunbathing at the beach. Riding on the back of the housekeepers scooter to where ever we wished in the village near by. Dinning in one of the many restaurants attached to the complex. The use of the condo cost me US$50/ngt and was well worth it and cheap for what it was.
(Evason Andaman Cove)
Totally agree with the last paragraph and pleased you are happy.
Life is great. So what if few get to view, we know whats there and thats what matters.
Awesome, I’m assuming FTM SRS is quite similar in pain, healing and recovery. Which I’m very interested in having done but haven’t came across anybody who can talk to me about it
I am not able medically to have SRS – however, I have had a number of surgeries including being medevaced. Pain medication should be used only as needed to get past the major hurt. Also, watch the anti-depression meds in combo with other meds – the side effects can be nasty. Bailey has so many great observations. Good luck, ladies! One other thought – younger folks generally heal faster and bounce back earlier than older folks..
I am not able medically to have SRS – however, I have had a number of surgeries including being medevaced. Pain medication should be used only as needed to get past the major hurt. Also, watch the anti-depression meds in combo with other meds – the side effects can be nasty. Bailey has so many great observations. Good luck, ladies! One other thought – younger folks generally heal faster and bounce back earlier than older folks..
what the actual fuck